I trust everyone survived Thanksgiving. I started my day out at 5:00 a.m. I was tried a new recipe for preparing and cooking my turkey. I did have an early morning adventure. When I purchased my turkey, it was pretty much thawed out, so I stuck it in the drink fridge out in the garage until Thursday morning. I thought about checking it once or twice, but what was the need, I thought to myself. Wednesday night, I even grabbed a can beverage from the same fridge, and no, I did not check or touch the turkey. I get up at 5 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning and first put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher. Wednesday night I had placed the printed recipe on the stove top in order to be more efficient on my preparations. The recipe I had decided to try included brining the turkey in water with salt and sugar. The turkey was to brine for 3-6 hours. The recipe called for the turkey to be cut in a few pieces. The wings and legs were to be separated from the torso. I have never done this, even to a chicken, so that in itself was going to be interesting. Okay, I proceed to the garage to bring the turkey. When I opened the fridge and grabbed the turkey, much to my dismay, it was frozen. Ohhhh Noooo! I don't understand why. The drink I enjoyed the night before, which was right beside the turkey, was not frozen. Crap! I brought the turkey into the house and proceeded to run hot water over it. I grabbed a hold of each wing and pulled in opposite direction. I finally was able to move the wings slightly. I finally had the wings pulled far enough away from the body and I then proceeded to take a knife and try to cut through the skin, meat and bones. Yeah, right. It was not working. I put a large cutting board on the stove top, placed the turkey on the board and pulled out one wing. I started chopping with my huge knife. I am sure this is not what you would see on cooking shows. It was successful. I accomplished removing the wings. The legs were still frozen and stuck in that plastic holder thingy. I put the turkey back in the sink and ran more hot water over it. I waited a few minutes and then was able to get the legs out of the plastic thingy. I then grabbed each leg and begin to strive to pull them a part. If I was in better shape, I think I would have braced my legs against the cupboard. It would have given me more leverage. All I accomplished was getting the legs pulled away from the body. The poor bird looked deformed. I made an executive decision to not cut the legs off. I prepared by brine, placed the container in the sink and added the bird. I snapped the lid on and proceeded to clean up the mess. I have never had a turkey such as this.
After 3 1/2 hours of brining, I placed the turkey on a bed of chopped onion, celery, carrots, crushed garlic, bay leaves, parsley, tyme and porchino mushrooms. I covered the turkey with a mixture of chicken broth and dry white wine. The turkey was then covered with foil and placed in the oven to braise. I did make the mistake of placing the red and white "popper" thing that pops up when the turkey is done, on the bottom, so I was unable to see it popped up. Fortunately, I did not over cook the turkey too long.
I strained the juice from the vegetables, added some cornstarch to the juice and made a delicious sauce. The turkey was also scrumptious.
We had a fantastic Thanksgiving Day. Ajay and Jesscica, I believe had a great day with her family. The only thing missing was Gary's physical presence. He was there in spirit, though.
My heart is not as heavy as it has been. I am staying true to my resolve and embracing positive energy and light. This helps me feel Gary in my heart and brings me closer to God.
It has been a fabulous week. My shoulders do not feel so bogged down with stress and anxiety. I am going to a dear friends house tonight for her son's engagement party. Last night, I went to the James Bond movie with Zach, Jaime, Rachel and Josh, then out for a bite to eat.
I wish everyone a joyous rest of November. Embrace each day with positive energy. Rejoice in the blessings of life and all that it includes, warts and all. Pass a smile to all who you meet.
In Thanksgiving to God, Love and Blessings,
Sue
Gary and Sue
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Thanksgiving Blessings
What a beautiful fall we have experienced this year. The colors of the chaging leaves are so vibrant and breathtaking. The beauty sometimes takes my breath away. God has so blessed us!
We have had some challenges and continue to struggle with our loss of Gary. I have been sliding on the slippery slope of despair. I must sadly admit I have spent more time hiding from life and boohooing than striving to live and rejoice in the gift that God has graciously blessed me with. Oh, I have been fairly good at pretending to be "okay", when really I'm not. All I want to do is hide and sleep. Depression, yes. I have struggled to keep positive energy flowing. I must admit it is shaming me to admit this. I have had a few individuals tell me to go to counseling. There are several reasons why I don't want to do this. One, financially it can be exhaustive. Once again, medical personal get to blow their own praises while charging astronimical amounts while informing someone why they feel like they feel. I know why I feel like I feel. I lost my soul mate. The man who I spent close to 24 hours with 7 days a week. We played together, we worked together, we lived together. I lost part of myself. I have to re-learn how to live alone, while not being alone, still surrounded by loving family and friends. A counselor who will say anger is part of healing. Yes, in part, but anger at what? Gary? God? Doctors? Myself?? I'm not angry at Gary for leaving. Angry perhaps at not being allowed to go with. Definately not angry with or at God. How can I be? He knows best. Gary is where the greatest love is. I have not yet completed my tasks assigned by God. One day I will be called home. If there is anger, I will have to admit it is against the medical profession. Over 4 years of seeking medical help for Gary's lung pain and the couple of times he passed out on me and to be told it was only a lung infection and low blood pressure. OOps, I guess they missed the mark. Their mistake, NEXT patient. Yes, they are only human. Do the medical personel remember to chant this to themselves several times a day? I am only human, don't allow the blessings of God leading my healing hands to put myself up on a pedestal.
I am attempting to pick myself up and wipe off the pity party residue and once again strive to embrace positive energy. God is wanting me to do this. I must remember there are some who are in a darker place than I and are a better example of God's love. Please forgive my selfishness these last few months.
Zach and I flew to Spokane in October to attend the funeral of my Uncle Bill McGough. He was my mother's brother. He died on his 85th birthday. His brother, Mart, another of my mother's brothers, died last October. Actually they both died in the month of September, a year apart, but their services were in the month of October. Anyway, Zach and I helped drive my mom and dad back to the Boise Valley. My sister also was able to attend the funeral. She flew in the night before and drove back with us. My controlling nature took over and I insisted on driving my parents back. I drove part of the way and Zach, the rest. I tried to take a turn in the back seat, however, car sickness came into play. This is something I never struggled with until after I had been treated with chemotherapy. Another negative of chemo. Hopefully as time goes by it will lesson. Praise to God, the journey was successful. Zach and I did enjoy a quiet giggle together when we viewed Mom, Dad and Cate in the back seat with their heads falling forward and their mouths slightly open lulled to sleep by the motion of the car. It was choreographed to perfection.
October brought Halloween. My children and I do enjoy this holiday. Rachel and Josh opened their warm and welcoming home to friends and family for the annual Halloween party. It was fantastic feeling the good cheer and hearing the laughter of friends and family having a wonderful time. Once again, we are so blessed. I won for the scariest costume. I dressed as a "Black Widow". (You can perhaps catch a sense of my warped sense of humor). I wore a long black wig, long black gown with a silver spiderweb cape that had a large spider attached. I had spiders glued to my face. I had webbed top eyelashes on my eyes and stickers under my eyes that looked like dripping blood. I had monster teeth that I wore for a short time, but they made me drool and that was not fun. I also wore black gloves that had elongated stuffed pointy fingers. I ditched those after awhile as well. I was definately embracing the darkness of the emotions I have been feeling.
Earlier in the day on Halloween, I was given the privelege and pleasure of volunteering in Rachel's classroom. I made shaped sugar cookies and brought them and frosting to school for one of the centers for the day. I just love children. They are such a breath of fresh air and truly show God's love. They are so healing. This was the first time I have been able to make it into Rachel's classroom. I have missed helping with centers. She is a fabulous teacher. I am pleased that the propositions were not passed, or should I say, repealed. She works so hard for a pittance paycheck. It is pathetic and saddening that our teachers are so unappreciated and have to jump through so many hoops. I challenge everyone to go outside your comfort level and spend several hours a month for at least 6 months volunteering in a classroom and educate yourself just what teachers do for our youth. Quit letting the lobbyists and polictical figures sell their false truths and dictate what we the people should do. Actually do your own homework by volunteering and see what is required of teachers. Or I guess people can continue being sheep and following blindly the cut and pasted speeches, the half truths and continue to harm our future, The Children.
The beginning of November brought the full retail campaigns for Christmas. My womens' group participated in a holiday bazaar. It, unfortunately was not as profitable as we had been hoping. I do know some places made "bank". I believe the location we were at was not ideal. The sad thing for my organization is that is pretty much the main fundraising event we participate in. Perhaps next year, if we decide to once again join a bazaar, we will be fortunate enough to be at a better location with much advertising.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow, or actually a few hours. Another milestone for our family. Ajay and Jessica are in Farmington, at least I think that is maybe what it is called. It is a small town in Washington about 30 miles from Moscow. Once again, the misery I have allowed myself to sink into has left me with a short attention span. Rachel and Josh are once again opening their home for us to enjoy the blessings of the feast we will all be contributing to. Zach will be there with his girlfriend, Jaime. Mom and Dad, my sister will also join us. Josh's mom Jen and his dad, Dan along with his brother Zach will be there as well. I am bringing the Turkey and gravy. I am going to try a new way of cooking the turkey. Good thing Zach is contributing a ham in case I mess up. I have been mentally counting backwards from the eating hour to figure what time I need to get up and start the first step for preparing the turkey.
Rachel and Josh participate in the Black Friday shopping frenzy. They have asked me to join them for years. I might just do it this year, but I still waver. I am saddened by the commercialism of Christmas. There seems to be such pressure to buy, buy, buy. This is the one time that I acutally do dream of a white Christmas. Mainly to stop people from shopping and being able to spend beyond their means to purchase gifts that in some cases are still not "right". I have sadly been caught up in the mad overspending frenzy at one point and do not want to do that again.
I wish everyone a warm and loved filled Thanksgiving. I encourage everyone as the chaos starts to consume, take a quiet step back. Open your eyes and look around at all your family and friends gathered where you are. Remove yourself mentally from the chaos and rejoice at the blessings before you. Treasure all the different conversations and life bouncing around and be "thankful". Thank you one and all for being in my life. God has Blessed me with love and life. I told a customer, who came into the shop the other day who had not known Gary had passed, that dieing was easy and living was what was hard. I am renewing my vow to once again strive to "live" life and not just sluff through it. Thank you for the gift of your strength and love and kindness. I will pass it on to all those I meet.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Love and Blessings,
Sue
We have had some challenges and continue to struggle with our loss of Gary. I have been sliding on the slippery slope of despair. I must sadly admit I have spent more time hiding from life and boohooing than striving to live and rejoice in the gift that God has graciously blessed me with. Oh, I have been fairly good at pretending to be "okay", when really I'm not. All I want to do is hide and sleep. Depression, yes. I have struggled to keep positive energy flowing. I must admit it is shaming me to admit this. I have had a few individuals tell me to go to counseling. There are several reasons why I don't want to do this. One, financially it can be exhaustive. Once again, medical personal get to blow their own praises while charging astronimical amounts while informing someone why they feel like they feel. I know why I feel like I feel. I lost my soul mate. The man who I spent close to 24 hours with 7 days a week. We played together, we worked together, we lived together. I lost part of myself. I have to re-learn how to live alone, while not being alone, still surrounded by loving family and friends. A counselor who will say anger is part of healing. Yes, in part, but anger at what? Gary? God? Doctors? Myself?? I'm not angry at Gary for leaving. Angry perhaps at not being allowed to go with. Definately not angry with or at God. How can I be? He knows best. Gary is where the greatest love is. I have not yet completed my tasks assigned by God. One day I will be called home. If there is anger, I will have to admit it is against the medical profession. Over 4 years of seeking medical help for Gary's lung pain and the couple of times he passed out on me and to be told it was only a lung infection and low blood pressure. OOps, I guess they missed the mark. Their mistake, NEXT patient. Yes, they are only human. Do the medical personel remember to chant this to themselves several times a day? I am only human, don't allow the blessings of God leading my healing hands to put myself up on a pedestal.
I am attempting to pick myself up and wipe off the pity party residue and once again strive to embrace positive energy. God is wanting me to do this. I must remember there are some who are in a darker place than I and are a better example of God's love. Please forgive my selfishness these last few months.
Zach and I flew to Spokane in October to attend the funeral of my Uncle Bill McGough. He was my mother's brother. He died on his 85th birthday. His brother, Mart, another of my mother's brothers, died last October. Actually they both died in the month of September, a year apart, but their services were in the month of October. Anyway, Zach and I helped drive my mom and dad back to the Boise Valley. My sister also was able to attend the funeral. She flew in the night before and drove back with us. My controlling nature took over and I insisted on driving my parents back. I drove part of the way and Zach, the rest. I tried to take a turn in the back seat, however, car sickness came into play. This is something I never struggled with until after I had been treated with chemotherapy. Another negative of chemo. Hopefully as time goes by it will lesson. Praise to God, the journey was successful. Zach and I did enjoy a quiet giggle together when we viewed Mom, Dad and Cate in the back seat with their heads falling forward and their mouths slightly open lulled to sleep by the motion of the car. It was choreographed to perfection.
October brought Halloween. My children and I do enjoy this holiday. Rachel and Josh opened their warm and welcoming home to friends and family for the annual Halloween party. It was fantastic feeling the good cheer and hearing the laughter of friends and family having a wonderful time. Once again, we are so blessed. I won for the scariest costume. I dressed as a "Black Widow". (You can perhaps catch a sense of my warped sense of humor). I wore a long black wig, long black gown with a silver spiderweb cape that had a large spider attached. I had spiders glued to my face. I had webbed top eyelashes on my eyes and stickers under my eyes that looked like dripping blood. I had monster teeth that I wore for a short time, but they made me drool and that was not fun. I also wore black gloves that had elongated stuffed pointy fingers. I ditched those after awhile as well. I was definately embracing the darkness of the emotions I have been feeling.
Earlier in the day on Halloween, I was given the privelege and pleasure of volunteering in Rachel's classroom. I made shaped sugar cookies and brought them and frosting to school for one of the centers for the day. I just love children. They are such a breath of fresh air and truly show God's love. They are so healing. This was the first time I have been able to make it into Rachel's classroom. I have missed helping with centers. She is a fabulous teacher. I am pleased that the propositions were not passed, or should I say, repealed. She works so hard for a pittance paycheck. It is pathetic and saddening that our teachers are so unappreciated and have to jump through so many hoops. I challenge everyone to go outside your comfort level and spend several hours a month for at least 6 months volunteering in a classroom and educate yourself just what teachers do for our youth. Quit letting the lobbyists and polictical figures sell their false truths and dictate what we the people should do. Actually do your own homework by volunteering and see what is required of teachers. Or I guess people can continue being sheep and following blindly the cut and pasted speeches, the half truths and continue to harm our future, The Children.
The beginning of November brought the full retail campaigns for Christmas. My womens' group participated in a holiday bazaar. It, unfortunately was not as profitable as we had been hoping. I do know some places made "bank". I believe the location we were at was not ideal. The sad thing for my organization is that is pretty much the main fundraising event we participate in. Perhaps next year, if we decide to once again join a bazaar, we will be fortunate enough to be at a better location with much advertising.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow, or actually a few hours. Another milestone for our family. Ajay and Jessica are in Farmington, at least I think that is maybe what it is called. It is a small town in Washington about 30 miles from Moscow. Once again, the misery I have allowed myself to sink into has left me with a short attention span. Rachel and Josh are once again opening their home for us to enjoy the blessings of the feast we will all be contributing to. Zach will be there with his girlfriend, Jaime. Mom and Dad, my sister will also join us. Josh's mom Jen and his dad, Dan along with his brother Zach will be there as well. I am bringing the Turkey and gravy. I am going to try a new way of cooking the turkey. Good thing Zach is contributing a ham in case I mess up. I have been mentally counting backwards from the eating hour to figure what time I need to get up and start the first step for preparing the turkey.
Rachel and Josh participate in the Black Friday shopping frenzy. They have asked me to join them for years. I might just do it this year, but I still waver. I am saddened by the commercialism of Christmas. There seems to be such pressure to buy, buy, buy. This is the one time that I acutally do dream of a white Christmas. Mainly to stop people from shopping and being able to spend beyond their means to purchase gifts that in some cases are still not "right". I have sadly been caught up in the mad overspending frenzy at one point and do not want to do that again.
I wish everyone a warm and loved filled Thanksgiving. I encourage everyone as the chaos starts to consume, take a quiet step back. Open your eyes and look around at all your family and friends gathered where you are. Remove yourself mentally from the chaos and rejoice at the blessings before you. Treasure all the different conversations and life bouncing around and be "thankful". Thank you one and all for being in my life. God has Blessed me with love and life. I told a customer, who came into the shop the other day who had not known Gary had passed, that dieing was easy and living was what was hard. I am renewing my vow to once again strive to "live" life and not just sluff through it. Thank you for the gift of your strength and love and kindness. I will pass it on to all those I meet.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Love and Blessings,
Sue
Monday, September 3, 2012
Purging......
It is amazing that as we walk through life we tend to also clutter our life. Time moves so swiftly as we get caught up into living that we do not always realize that we hold on to material things that have little value, that is, until we slow down, or a life event forces us to stop and truly look around. I realize there are those individuals that are able to minimize their possessions, however, I have not been one of those people. We had been so busy working on our auto repair shop, my real estate career and then playing hard on the weekends since 1996(shop), that our home garage and our shop became piled with boxes full of things. A good majority of the things I stored away were clothes that the kids grew out of as well as clothes I thought would come back into style. Gary stored car parts. I have been going through boxes since June. I am so very tired, exhausted, mentally and emotionally. I rented a storage unit in to store boxes that I have been going through in order to clean out the side of the shop that we are moving out of. I have been throwing things away. There are a lot of clothing that I have been bringing home, washing and reboxing. I have also been working on my garage at home. I must confess, I am sick of boxes, sick of doing laundry.
I was working on getting out of the one side of the shop by June. Did not happen. July came and went. Finally, as August says good bye, I am almost out. There are some metal shelving left as well as a couple of benches. We had two hoists taken down. The newer one of the two was moved to replace the hoist that Gary always used. Gary had wanted this done for some time, so I handled it. I now am striving to sell the other hoist. There is nothing wrong with it, however, it was just not as large as the one that replaced it.
I had been taking boxes to the sorage unit every night. I have been pretty bruised from moving the large boxes. The heat was zapping me. I have been pretty wiped out lately. I do not like to get dirty, however, it has been happening. I try to remember to put on my apron to save my clothes from becoming ruined and then I will put on my gardening gloves. Justin asked me one day if I was cooking or gardening. Justin, Ajay, Zach, Rachel, Josh, Jessica, Jake, Andrea, Jaime, Kimmee and Tanner came down on a Saturday, mid August and used the heister to bring boxes down from above my office and load them into pickups and a trailer and move them to the storage unit. It was so heart warming to have the help and support. We were done in 2 hours. Wow!! A big thank you to them all.
My garage has been quite challenging. I have only made it about a fourth of the way through. I guess that is progress, however, I am discontent with how long it is taking me. I have been fighting a war against mice. My sweet kitties are great mousers. They are extremely quick in catching them. I had one box that had three mice in them. It was a box full of video game equipment. Yes, I have been squealing at times. Sometimes the mice surprise me and I let out a scream and then I go find the girls and they tend to take care of the problem for me. The kittens are learning to stay close to me and wait. They also are able to hear the disgusting critters and alert me to what box they are in. I have also gotten smart enough to keep the door to the house closed so the girls are unable to bring the mice into the house. Friday after work I proceeded to get Minuet to catch a mouse that kept evading capture. Unfortunately, it did not get caught. Saturday I spent several hours pulling items out into the back yard. It looked like the garage puked onto the lawn. Sunday, I was able to clear the lawn and organize a section of the garage. I am still fighting huge piles of things needing washed. If the items do not come out clean, I am actually throwing them out. This is big for me. I have found I am a hoarder. I plan on having a yard sale. I am striving to have it late September or sometime in October. I am going to call it a Fall sale. I think the hardest part of all the de-cluttering is knowing what to do with all of Gary's things. He was a hoarder as well, he just hoarded items that had to do with cars. The amazing thing about Gary's hoarding was that he knew what he had and could pretty much find something even after 15 years. We have had some laughter, even while crying, at some of the things Gary has saved. He was a fabricater. He could build brackets and other things out of metal to fix cars. The world definately has lost a master mechanic/technician.
We celebrated Rachel's 27th birthday on August 16. Once again, the hole in our hearts left by Gary's passing was exposed and the pain from the void was agonizing. We had a softball game on that day, which helped keep our minds occupied. We decorated the dugout and enjoyed dirt cake after the game, which we won. Yay!! Way to go Team Bangarang.
God blessed me with four closed real estate transaction in August. I have a transaction that should close this first week of September. Unfortunately, I do not have any other transactions lined up as yet. I am working on a couple of possibilities though. If you hear of someone needing real estate assistance I humbly request the opportunity to interview for the honor of working with a new client. I do enjoy meeting new people and helping them with their real estate needs.
I had my mammogram in early August. I was not supposed to have another mammo until next August, however, they want me to have one in February. They saw a couple of very small spots that they just want to watch. The doctors believe they are just calcium spots due to the healing from surgery. I also have Lymphedema. My left arm, hand and sometimes fingers swell up. If you have ever watched the movie, "Big Trouble in Little China", my arm swells up like one of the bad guys body does when he becomes angry cuz the big bad character, his boss, gets destroyed. There are times when it is somewhat painful, but mostly it is just annoying. The docs want me to have physical therapy. They say it will help. I will go to a couple of sessions and check it out, but if it does not help, I am going to stop. I am so tired of having endless medical bills. Honestly, I feel as though the doctors/therapists sometimes take advantage of a patient and have the patient come to more appointments than necessary. My example is my first therapy session. They told me to block 2 hours for the appointment. I spent the majority of the two hours sitting in a room waiting. I had my blood pressure taken three times because it was quite high. Then I had two people ask me about what I had filled out on the form. Then I had the actual therapist mark my arm with a marker and take measurements. While the assistant did the math on the measurements, the therapist told me to read all the paperwork in the folder she was giving me, then she re-configured the measurements that the assistant did not figure correctly. The therapist then told me the difference between my two arms and told me she was starting therapy on Thursday, the 6th of September. No therapy was done, even though I had been told I would have therapy duing that session. I also informed all personel from the get go that money was scarce and a concern for me. I paid for a two hour waste of my time. I am not impressed.
I went to Arrowrock with Rachel and Josh today. We had a great time. It was a beautiful day. My heart hurts. The last time we had gone there was with Gary and the boat. We know he was there in spirit, but I want more. I keep hoping I will wake up from this nightmare. I want my husband back. Please God?
August 4th, the kids and I went to Cascade for Jordan Chess and Kathleen Wilson's wedding. This was also a bittersweet time. Last time there was with Gary. I was still recovering and did not travel well. I ended up sick and sleeping on the couch while Gary, Sandy and Larry did things. The wedding was beautiful and it was great to be with family/friends, but the lack of Gary's presence was definately felt by all who knew him. Every where we looked we had a memory of something Gary did.
My kids keep asking me if I am okay. They tell me they don't want me to leave. They say they can't loose me as well. I tell them that I am not going anywhere, but if God did call me home, I have to admit, I would rejoice. It is difficult to keep telling people I/we are okay. What choice do we have? Life keeps going every second. It ticks away. Besides, people really do not want to hear that we struggle. Every day is difficult. There are still quite a few people who do not know Gary has passed into God's Kingdom.
I send out wishes to all for a wonderful September. I encourage positive energy and patience each day. Pass on a smile even when negativity fights for your attention. Our world and those living in it need love and kindness. There are so many people fighting hardships that sometimes just a smile and a kind word can lift them up and make a huge difference. Take a moment to watch a sunrise or a sunset or to even smell a pretty flower, all the while thanking God for each day.
Love and blessings,
Sue
I was working on getting out of the one side of the shop by June. Did not happen. July came and went. Finally, as August says good bye, I am almost out. There are some metal shelving left as well as a couple of benches. We had two hoists taken down. The newer one of the two was moved to replace the hoist that Gary always used. Gary had wanted this done for some time, so I handled it. I now am striving to sell the other hoist. There is nothing wrong with it, however, it was just not as large as the one that replaced it.
I had been taking boxes to the sorage unit every night. I have been pretty bruised from moving the large boxes. The heat was zapping me. I have been pretty wiped out lately. I do not like to get dirty, however, it has been happening. I try to remember to put on my apron to save my clothes from becoming ruined and then I will put on my gardening gloves. Justin asked me one day if I was cooking or gardening. Justin, Ajay, Zach, Rachel, Josh, Jessica, Jake, Andrea, Jaime, Kimmee and Tanner came down on a Saturday, mid August and used the heister to bring boxes down from above my office and load them into pickups and a trailer and move them to the storage unit. It was so heart warming to have the help and support. We were done in 2 hours. Wow!! A big thank you to them all.
My garage has been quite challenging. I have only made it about a fourth of the way through. I guess that is progress, however, I am discontent with how long it is taking me. I have been fighting a war against mice. My sweet kitties are great mousers. They are extremely quick in catching them. I had one box that had three mice in them. It was a box full of video game equipment. Yes, I have been squealing at times. Sometimes the mice surprise me and I let out a scream and then I go find the girls and they tend to take care of the problem for me. The kittens are learning to stay close to me and wait. They also are able to hear the disgusting critters and alert me to what box they are in. I have also gotten smart enough to keep the door to the house closed so the girls are unable to bring the mice into the house. Friday after work I proceeded to get Minuet to catch a mouse that kept evading capture. Unfortunately, it did not get caught. Saturday I spent several hours pulling items out into the back yard. It looked like the garage puked onto the lawn. Sunday, I was able to clear the lawn and organize a section of the garage. I am still fighting huge piles of things needing washed. If the items do not come out clean, I am actually throwing them out. This is big for me. I have found I am a hoarder. I plan on having a yard sale. I am striving to have it late September or sometime in October. I am going to call it a Fall sale. I think the hardest part of all the de-cluttering is knowing what to do with all of Gary's things. He was a hoarder as well, he just hoarded items that had to do with cars. The amazing thing about Gary's hoarding was that he knew what he had and could pretty much find something even after 15 years. We have had some laughter, even while crying, at some of the things Gary has saved. He was a fabricater. He could build brackets and other things out of metal to fix cars. The world definately has lost a master mechanic/technician.
We celebrated Rachel's 27th birthday on August 16. Once again, the hole in our hearts left by Gary's passing was exposed and the pain from the void was agonizing. We had a softball game on that day, which helped keep our minds occupied. We decorated the dugout and enjoyed dirt cake after the game, which we won. Yay!! Way to go Team Bangarang.
God blessed me with four closed real estate transaction in August. I have a transaction that should close this first week of September. Unfortunately, I do not have any other transactions lined up as yet. I am working on a couple of possibilities though. If you hear of someone needing real estate assistance I humbly request the opportunity to interview for the honor of working with a new client. I do enjoy meeting new people and helping them with their real estate needs.
I had my mammogram in early August. I was not supposed to have another mammo until next August, however, they want me to have one in February. They saw a couple of very small spots that they just want to watch. The doctors believe they are just calcium spots due to the healing from surgery. I also have Lymphedema. My left arm, hand and sometimes fingers swell up. If you have ever watched the movie, "Big Trouble in Little China", my arm swells up like one of the bad guys body does when he becomes angry cuz the big bad character, his boss, gets destroyed. There are times when it is somewhat painful, but mostly it is just annoying. The docs want me to have physical therapy. They say it will help. I will go to a couple of sessions and check it out, but if it does not help, I am going to stop. I am so tired of having endless medical bills. Honestly, I feel as though the doctors/therapists sometimes take advantage of a patient and have the patient come to more appointments than necessary. My example is my first therapy session. They told me to block 2 hours for the appointment. I spent the majority of the two hours sitting in a room waiting. I had my blood pressure taken three times because it was quite high. Then I had two people ask me about what I had filled out on the form. Then I had the actual therapist mark my arm with a marker and take measurements. While the assistant did the math on the measurements, the therapist told me to read all the paperwork in the folder she was giving me, then she re-configured the measurements that the assistant did not figure correctly. The therapist then told me the difference between my two arms and told me she was starting therapy on Thursday, the 6th of September. No therapy was done, even though I had been told I would have therapy duing that session. I also informed all personel from the get go that money was scarce and a concern for me. I paid for a two hour waste of my time. I am not impressed.
I went to Arrowrock with Rachel and Josh today. We had a great time. It was a beautiful day. My heart hurts. The last time we had gone there was with Gary and the boat. We know he was there in spirit, but I want more. I keep hoping I will wake up from this nightmare. I want my husband back. Please God?
August 4th, the kids and I went to Cascade for Jordan Chess and Kathleen Wilson's wedding. This was also a bittersweet time. Last time there was with Gary. I was still recovering and did not travel well. I ended up sick and sleeping on the couch while Gary, Sandy and Larry did things. The wedding was beautiful and it was great to be with family/friends, but the lack of Gary's presence was definately felt by all who knew him. Every where we looked we had a memory of something Gary did.
My kids keep asking me if I am okay. They tell me they don't want me to leave. They say they can't loose me as well. I tell them that I am not going anywhere, but if God did call me home, I have to admit, I would rejoice. It is difficult to keep telling people I/we are okay. What choice do we have? Life keeps going every second. It ticks away. Besides, people really do not want to hear that we struggle. Every day is difficult. There are still quite a few people who do not know Gary has passed into God's Kingdom.
I send out wishes to all for a wonderful September. I encourage positive energy and patience each day. Pass on a smile even when negativity fights for your attention. Our world and those living in it need love and kindness. There are so many people fighting hardships that sometimes just a smile and a kind word can lift them up and make a huge difference. Take a moment to watch a sunrise or a sunset or to even smell a pretty flower, all the while thanking God for each day.
Love and blessings,
Sue
Friday, July 20, 2012
learning to live differently
Hello all. It has been quite awhile. I must first make a correction to my last blog. I don't know why, but I wrote the wrong date for Ajay's birthday. It is June 6th, not the 7th. I actually read the last entry.
Father's Day was difficult. The void left by Gary's passing was too large. We struggled. Our passionate natures rared their ugly side. We ended up having a family fight. The kids were grieving so badly and wanting their support present for the dinner we had wanted to do, that we could not come to an agreement on what time. We have a gift certificate to Goodwood's, Gary's favorite place, that we planned on using. Ajay wanted Jessica to be able to join. She went to work at 4:oo p.m. Rachel wanted Josh to join. He did not get off work until after 5:00. Zach has still not found his significant other, and well, we all know my story.... They wanted me to make the decision. I told them no, they would decide when we went, not me. I am tired of being tugged in every direction and then being held accountible when one of their ways is not picked. Unfortunately, discontentment won over and no time was chosen. I ended up driving up to Grimes Creek by myself and cried for a few hours. So sad. I know Gary was not pleased. In my opinion, our three kids should have just gone by themselves to honor their father, but, oh well, I guess. You can't back up time, or I would and my husband would still be here with me.
I have a funny story to share. First, a little background information. Gary's family has a gathering for all who are able around the Fourth of July. We have been going to the family farm the last few years, however, when we first started this tradition, we would meet at different locations. One year, we were in the mountains above the family farm. It was a nice area, with a creek running through. There were some trees offering limited shade, as well as a scattering of cow pies. It was a rural back country setting. If you are not aware, I am not real enthusiastic to tent camping. You hear the expression that someone is loaded down, even the kitchen sink, well that is me. I conceded to try tent camping this time. Yes, we were loaded down. The top of the jeep was packed, the cargo area was stuffed, and we had a very small trailer pulled behind, with all my necessities. Quite comical actually looking back. I guess I was somewhat of a priss. Definately did not like getting dirty. I did appreciate my amenities and running water. I really was sacrificing my sanity. We actually had two choices for the toilet area, but only one was set up. It was a toilet seat on three legs over a hole, set in the bushes. Oh Lord, give me strength. OOOH gross! Gary's brother Jay had gone to great work to build a toilet seat on a box frame, but it was not used. It was attractive, for a home made toilet.
We pitched our tent between some bushes. We thought we had chosen a fantastic spot. There was shade and we had some privacy. I was very unsure of myself back then and needed quite a lot of personal space to hide and protect myself, as well as my kids. We had a three room tent. We blew up an air mattress for Gary and I to sleep on. The first night we finally head to bed. We are laying on our back and Gary, true to form, almost immediately starts falling asleep. Not so for myself. I struggle with sleep normally, even at home, and it is worse when away. I am really working on relaxing so I can sleep when I feel something moving underneath us. I whisper to Gary and ask him if he felt something. Of course, he didn't. He falls back to sleep. I lay there, now on high alert and wait. Sure enough, I feel something move again. I nudge him and whisper, "Gary did you feel it this time?" No, he didn't. I tell him it is not my imagination and to stay awake and lay still and wait. Finally he does. We felt something again. We turn over onto our stomachs and wait to see if it continues. We were rewarded and Gary moved and the noise stopped. He tried to grab whatever it was, but he kept on being too noisy. Yes, I informed him he was doing it all wrong and to be more stealthy. We are waiting. Our hands are raised just aboved the tent floor, hanging off our air mattress. I feel something and pounce with my hands and tell him, "I have it. This is what you do." In my excitement I start pushing down harder and harder on whatever little body I had a hold of, until it stopped moving. We did not feel anything moving after that. Gary turned over and went back to sleep. I wished it had been that easy. Not me. I was in full on protect mode waiting for something to happen again. Nothing did. Finally, dawn broke and Gary woke up. I kept hounding him to check under the tent to see what it was that I had squished. After the kids woke up, Gary finally consented. We went outside the tent and he pulled up the stakes to look. We had pitched our tent over a whole slew of mouse holes and I had ended up killing/squishing a mouse. I did not plan on being the week end comic relief, however, that is what it became. Looking back, I must admit, I am a little proud of myself for my great hunting instincts. Who knew? The family have not forgotten. Ruth, Gary's mom, has told me how proud she is of me for continuing to camp out even after the mouse incident. I must confess, I made Gary drive the five miles or so to his parents house daily so I could take a shower. I am a city slicker and proud of it.
Okay on to current events. I have informed everyone that I am living with 3 cats. They are my girls. I retired on night around 1:30 a.m. My two kitten, Minuet(mini) and Flo were with me ready to settle down. Roly Poly was not. I hear Poly getting into something in Rachel's room. She was starting to annoy me. The girls must have felt the same way because they jumped off my bed to go check it out. Poly did not stop and the girls appeared to have joined in. I finally crawled out of bed to check what was going on. I thought perhaps they were getting into the food bag. Side note: Poly has an eating disorder. She eats her feelings. Her shape reminds us of a football, thus the nickname Roly Poly. She will continue eating until she pukes. Great fun when I find the piles, NOT!!
No, they were not into the food bag this time. They were on the floor at the end of the daybed. They were wild eyed and playing with something. I chose to convince myself it was just a toy. Awhile later, the two girls jumped back on my bed. No Poly. I start hearing Poly making noise in the hall way near my pantry. My blood pressure is definately starting to rise at this point. My pantry has no doors on it. I have some 3 tubs on the floor that hold cookie sheets and miscellaneous treasures for cooking. I once again crawl out of bed and walk out into the hallway. I flip on the hall light to check out what the heck she is doing. When the light was turned on Poly climbs out of one of the tubs. I once again refuse to allow myself to admit what it is I know she is doing. I tell her to knock it off and go to sleep and I go back to bed. Of course she doesn't obey me. I strive to clear my mind and relax so I can perhaps get a few hours of sleep. Low and behold, I hear Poly in my room, in the bottom of the closet. I look at the clock and it is 3:30 a.m. at this point. I ask her "are you kidding me". Yes, I am very, very, very frustrated and ready to boot her backside outside at this point. I can no longer deny what I knew she was doing. She had been following a mouse. I hate mice!! God Bless her, she chased it into my room. Oh glory. Thanks so much, you little jerk. I get out of bed yet again and flip on the bedroom light. She is squatting beside a travel bag, just happy as can be. I take a deep breath, grab Flo off the bed, put her on the floor beside the bed, and lift the bag. Sure enough, there is this tiny mouse hiding by the bag, unscathed. Its fur is not even wet, which one would think it should be if a fat cat had been playing with it for a few hours. Poly just watches as it starts to run after me removing the bag, but Precious Flo does what I am desiring, she grabs the mouse with her mouth. Now, how can I get rid of the mouse. I don't want Flo to eat it. She might get worms.(We have had a cat that was a great mouser/hunter. We had a standing prescription for worm medicine. Worms he obtained from all the critters he brought home.) I don't want to have to take her to the vet because she starts having worms hang out her backside. Definately the negative side of having cats. I end up scaring Flo and she drops the mouse, which runs under my bed. Just great!! I pull out the two shoe tubs that are under the bed, hoping that the mouse doesn't jump out at me. Whew, no mouse. I grab Flo and throw her under the bed. I shut the light off and climb back into bed. My thought process is that with the light off and me not moving, the mouse might come out of hiding and Flo will be able to catch it again. I lay in bed, striving to lower my blood pressure. I hear Flo moving around amongst the things we have stored under the bed. Awhile later I hear a growling noise. I turn on the bedside lamp and crawl to the end of the bed. Mini is between the bathroom and bedroom watching, Poly is near the bedroom door to the hallway and Flo is at the foot of the bed, mouse in mouth, growling, warning the other two cats off. I crawl out of bed. It is 4:00 a.m. at this point. I end up bothering Flo again and cause her to run out of the bedroom and down the hallway, with me chasing her, all the while holding the mouse in her mouth. Crap, she probably is already contaminated from the bacteria on the fur of the mouse. She is going to get worms. This is what my mind kept having run through it, as well as how to get the mouse out of the house. Flo ended up in the dining area. I slowly walked toward her and she took off back down the hallway, back into my bedroom, with me once again following her. This time she didn't stop in the bedroom, but ended up running into the bathroom. I followed, grabbing my hiking shoe. I shut both of us into the bathroom. Flo dropped the mouse. It layed there, slobbered on, playing dead. I took my shoe and "bam bam", hit the mouse twice. I stunned it. I stared at it for a moment. The tail started moving. What to do?? I grabbed some toilet paper, grabbed the mouse by the tail and threw it in the toilet. I'm thinking to myself. This is just a small little thing. There have been bigger trophies that have been flushed and not clogged the toilet. Yes. I flushed it!! The mouse wasn't dead. It was going to be swimming around the septic tank. I started thinking about low budget horror movies. Starring Sue Rasmussen. She was sitting on the toilet when a freak of nature mouse came up from the septic and ate her.. Yes, my mind can be quite bazaar at times.
I told Rachel about the mouse adventure. She said to me, "Mommy, daddy was laughing at you. He loved the camping mouse story and now he was watching this other mouse adventure laughing." Maybe he was. I sure miss him.
The Fourth of July had come yet again. Happy birthday to my brother Tim. Gary's family is gathering again at the family farm. The kids drove up the 29th of June. They pitched their tents in a circle, along with Jake, creating a courtyard effect. Ron placed his pickup camper down near the haystack, not his normal spot. His sisters and daughter set up camp near the old homestead. Marj and Scott had their pickup tent near the kids, Mick and Glenna were on the other side of the house. Del and Nancy, along with Kena and her baby Bently were in the fifth. Jay slept inside in one of the bedrooms as did Ron's mother. Ruth and Dee stayed in their room. It was a sad time. Gary's passing left a large void yet again. Our camper was missing. It was more of an anchor for everyone than we realized. I had not planned on going, however, I woke up Saturday and kept feeling like I was supposed to go. I had a home inspection scheduled for a client. I opened up the house and waited for the inspection to be completed. I ended up leaving town around 6:00. I arrived at the farm around 9:20 p.m. I made great time. Upon my arrival I found out that Ruth had been taken into Burley to the hospital. Her leg was inflamed with Staff infection. She so wanted to be there that week end that she waited far too long to get into the doctor that she was admitted into ICU. Not only was Gary missing, but so was MOM. I ended up sleeping in Ron and Gayle's camper. I helped Marj make lunch on Sunday and was able to hit the road again around 2:30 p.m. We, the kids and I, stopped in Burley and told Ruth hello and hit the road. I can't say that I will go back, but perhaps. The kids took pictures of the "Grove", a spot that was special to them and Gary. Upon looking at the pictures on the computer, there are blurry spots, some almost seemingly body shaped. Rachel thought perhaps her screen was dirty. Even after cleaning, the pictures still showed a "shape". The kids went to the sandstone. Gary always took Rachel to the sandstone every summer, regardless of how hot it was. They carved new initials and maintained old carvings. This year my sweet babies went together. My heart aches with their pain. The pictures show their emotions, even with the sun glasses on. The pictures from the sandstone showed "orbs" when looking at them on the computer. I know Gary was there with the kids. He was carving away at his intitials and at mine. The kids told me someone had been maintaining Gary's intitials and that they had also engraved a cross below Gary's. What a wonderful family we have been blessed with.
My neice Melanie, has been wanting Gary to visit her in her dreams. She had not had this happen until this week. She texted me the other morning and said to me, "guess who visited me last night?" I was getting ready to call her when she called me. She told me to guess on the phone and I told her I did not know. She then informed me "Uncle". I said, "really. Tell me about it" She said it was weird. She was driving a car into the shop. The kids were young, but they should not be. She said she opened the door and got out of the car. Gary opened his arms, smiling, and she ran into them and they hugged. She said she told him she loved him. She knew he was gone, but he was there, hugging her. She wanted to ask him so much, but she could only hug him. Gary told her that I was in my office. She told me she wanted to see me, but did not want to leave Gary. She hugged him more, then he stopped hugging and she woke up. I do believe this was Gary letting her know he loved her and he was okay. A day later her doctor sent her for an MRI. She started having anxiety that Gary was there to take her into our Fathers Heavenly Kingdom. I think he was just giving her strength and wanting her to have trust and faith in God. She informed me that so far, things seem to be okay with the MRI. Praise God.
Ruth, Gary's mom, was released from the Burley hospital and admitted to Elks Rehab here in Boise. We have found out that she has been released. I must confess, I have not been to visit her. My life has become rather crazy and I have not managed my time as well as perhaps I should. I have been working GT as well as teaching one swim lesson class and quite busy with real estate, which I love. Swim lessons have wiped me out, even an hour. How did I ever manage the 11 hours a day I used to do? The little kids really fill my soul with joy. They are so innocent and offer so much love. They are blessings from God.
I would like to point out to one and all. I do understand that I have differnt viewpoints about life and death. Yes, I am grieving. No I am not losing my mind. Sometimes I wish that would be true. I embrace that there are things that take us out of comfort zones and does not fall into what "normal" society dictates we should believe. I do believe that there are psychics that take advantage of individuals. I also believe there are people out there who truly have gifts from God that allow them the ability to see beyond what is "normal". I am not bonkers, at least, no more than what is normal, what I have always been like, even as a child. I believe there is more than what we are experiencing on this earth. I believe in God and His power and the blessings He rains on us. When it is my time, I encourage my children to rejoice that I am in a better place and that even though my physical body is no longer with them, my spirit, through God's Glory, will continue to warm them and guide them, as does Gary. I am saddened that my soul mate has left this earth, but I also rejoice that he is with God and happy.
Enjoy everyday. They truly are gifts from God.
Love and Blessings,
Sue
Father's Day was difficult. The void left by Gary's passing was too large. We struggled. Our passionate natures rared their ugly side. We ended up having a family fight. The kids were grieving so badly and wanting their support present for the dinner we had wanted to do, that we could not come to an agreement on what time. We have a gift certificate to Goodwood's, Gary's favorite place, that we planned on using. Ajay wanted Jessica to be able to join. She went to work at 4:oo p.m. Rachel wanted Josh to join. He did not get off work until after 5:00. Zach has still not found his significant other, and well, we all know my story.... They wanted me to make the decision. I told them no, they would decide when we went, not me. I am tired of being tugged in every direction and then being held accountible when one of their ways is not picked. Unfortunately, discontentment won over and no time was chosen. I ended up driving up to Grimes Creek by myself and cried for a few hours. So sad. I know Gary was not pleased. In my opinion, our three kids should have just gone by themselves to honor their father, but, oh well, I guess. You can't back up time, or I would and my husband would still be here with me.
I have a funny story to share. First, a little background information. Gary's family has a gathering for all who are able around the Fourth of July. We have been going to the family farm the last few years, however, when we first started this tradition, we would meet at different locations. One year, we were in the mountains above the family farm. It was a nice area, with a creek running through. There were some trees offering limited shade, as well as a scattering of cow pies. It was a rural back country setting. If you are not aware, I am not real enthusiastic to tent camping. You hear the expression that someone is loaded down, even the kitchen sink, well that is me. I conceded to try tent camping this time. Yes, we were loaded down. The top of the jeep was packed, the cargo area was stuffed, and we had a very small trailer pulled behind, with all my necessities. Quite comical actually looking back. I guess I was somewhat of a priss. Definately did not like getting dirty. I did appreciate my amenities and running water. I really was sacrificing my sanity. We actually had two choices for the toilet area, but only one was set up. It was a toilet seat on three legs over a hole, set in the bushes. Oh Lord, give me strength. OOOH gross! Gary's brother Jay had gone to great work to build a toilet seat on a box frame, but it was not used. It was attractive, for a home made toilet.
We pitched our tent between some bushes. We thought we had chosen a fantastic spot. There was shade and we had some privacy. I was very unsure of myself back then and needed quite a lot of personal space to hide and protect myself, as well as my kids. We had a three room tent. We blew up an air mattress for Gary and I to sleep on. The first night we finally head to bed. We are laying on our back and Gary, true to form, almost immediately starts falling asleep. Not so for myself. I struggle with sleep normally, even at home, and it is worse when away. I am really working on relaxing so I can sleep when I feel something moving underneath us. I whisper to Gary and ask him if he felt something. Of course, he didn't. He falls back to sleep. I lay there, now on high alert and wait. Sure enough, I feel something move again. I nudge him and whisper, "Gary did you feel it this time?" No, he didn't. I tell him it is not my imagination and to stay awake and lay still and wait. Finally he does. We felt something again. We turn over onto our stomachs and wait to see if it continues. We were rewarded and Gary moved and the noise stopped. He tried to grab whatever it was, but he kept on being too noisy. Yes, I informed him he was doing it all wrong and to be more stealthy. We are waiting. Our hands are raised just aboved the tent floor, hanging off our air mattress. I feel something and pounce with my hands and tell him, "I have it. This is what you do." In my excitement I start pushing down harder and harder on whatever little body I had a hold of, until it stopped moving. We did not feel anything moving after that. Gary turned over and went back to sleep. I wished it had been that easy. Not me. I was in full on protect mode waiting for something to happen again. Nothing did. Finally, dawn broke and Gary woke up. I kept hounding him to check under the tent to see what it was that I had squished. After the kids woke up, Gary finally consented. We went outside the tent and he pulled up the stakes to look. We had pitched our tent over a whole slew of mouse holes and I had ended up killing/squishing a mouse. I did not plan on being the week end comic relief, however, that is what it became. Looking back, I must admit, I am a little proud of myself for my great hunting instincts. Who knew? The family have not forgotten. Ruth, Gary's mom, has told me how proud she is of me for continuing to camp out even after the mouse incident. I must confess, I made Gary drive the five miles or so to his parents house daily so I could take a shower. I am a city slicker and proud of it.
Okay on to current events. I have informed everyone that I am living with 3 cats. They are my girls. I retired on night around 1:30 a.m. My two kitten, Minuet(mini) and Flo were with me ready to settle down. Roly Poly was not. I hear Poly getting into something in Rachel's room. She was starting to annoy me. The girls must have felt the same way because they jumped off my bed to go check it out. Poly did not stop and the girls appeared to have joined in. I finally crawled out of bed to check what was going on. I thought perhaps they were getting into the food bag. Side note: Poly has an eating disorder. She eats her feelings. Her shape reminds us of a football, thus the nickname Roly Poly. She will continue eating until she pukes. Great fun when I find the piles, NOT!!
No, they were not into the food bag this time. They were on the floor at the end of the daybed. They were wild eyed and playing with something. I chose to convince myself it was just a toy. Awhile later, the two girls jumped back on my bed. No Poly. I start hearing Poly making noise in the hall way near my pantry. My blood pressure is definately starting to rise at this point. My pantry has no doors on it. I have some 3 tubs on the floor that hold cookie sheets and miscellaneous treasures for cooking. I once again crawl out of bed and walk out into the hallway. I flip on the hall light to check out what the heck she is doing. When the light was turned on Poly climbs out of one of the tubs. I once again refuse to allow myself to admit what it is I know she is doing. I tell her to knock it off and go to sleep and I go back to bed. Of course she doesn't obey me. I strive to clear my mind and relax so I can perhaps get a few hours of sleep. Low and behold, I hear Poly in my room, in the bottom of the closet. I look at the clock and it is 3:30 a.m. at this point. I ask her "are you kidding me". Yes, I am very, very, very frustrated and ready to boot her backside outside at this point. I can no longer deny what I knew she was doing. She had been following a mouse. I hate mice!! God Bless her, she chased it into my room. Oh glory. Thanks so much, you little jerk. I get out of bed yet again and flip on the bedroom light. She is squatting beside a travel bag, just happy as can be. I take a deep breath, grab Flo off the bed, put her on the floor beside the bed, and lift the bag. Sure enough, there is this tiny mouse hiding by the bag, unscathed. Its fur is not even wet, which one would think it should be if a fat cat had been playing with it for a few hours. Poly just watches as it starts to run after me removing the bag, but Precious Flo does what I am desiring, she grabs the mouse with her mouth. Now, how can I get rid of the mouse. I don't want Flo to eat it. She might get worms.(We have had a cat that was a great mouser/hunter. We had a standing prescription for worm medicine. Worms he obtained from all the critters he brought home.) I don't want to have to take her to the vet because she starts having worms hang out her backside. Definately the negative side of having cats. I end up scaring Flo and she drops the mouse, which runs under my bed. Just great!! I pull out the two shoe tubs that are under the bed, hoping that the mouse doesn't jump out at me. Whew, no mouse. I grab Flo and throw her under the bed. I shut the light off and climb back into bed. My thought process is that with the light off and me not moving, the mouse might come out of hiding and Flo will be able to catch it again. I lay in bed, striving to lower my blood pressure. I hear Flo moving around amongst the things we have stored under the bed. Awhile later I hear a growling noise. I turn on the bedside lamp and crawl to the end of the bed. Mini is between the bathroom and bedroom watching, Poly is near the bedroom door to the hallway and Flo is at the foot of the bed, mouse in mouth, growling, warning the other two cats off. I crawl out of bed. It is 4:00 a.m. at this point. I end up bothering Flo again and cause her to run out of the bedroom and down the hallway, with me chasing her, all the while holding the mouse in her mouth. Crap, she probably is already contaminated from the bacteria on the fur of the mouse. She is going to get worms. This is what my mind kept having run through it, as well as how to get the mouse out of the house. Flo ended up in the dining area. I slowly walked toward her and she took off back down the hallway, back into my bedroom, with me once again following her. This time she didn't stop in the bedroom, but ended up running into the bathroom. I followed, grabbing my hiking shoe. I shut both of us into the bathroom. Flo dropped the mouse. It layed there, slobbered on, playing dead. I took my shoe and "bam bam", hit the mouse twice. I stunned it. I stared at it for a moment. The tail started moving. What to do?? I grabbed some toilet paper, grabbed the mouse by the tail and threw it in the toilet. I'm thinking to myself. This is just a small little thing. There have been bigger trophies that have been flushed and not clogged the toilet. Yes. I flushed it!! The mouse wasn't dead. It was going to be swimming around the septic tank. I started thinking about low budget horror movies. Starring Sue Rasmussen. She was sitting on the toilet when a freak of nature mouse came up from the septic and ate her.. Yes, my mind can be quite bazaar at times.
I told Rachel about the mouse adventure. She said to me, "Mommy, daddy was laughing at you. He loved the camping mouse story and now he was watching this other mouse adventure laughing." Maybe he was. I sure miss him.
The Fourth of July had come yet again. Happy birthday to my brother Tim. Gary's family is gathering again at the family farm. The kids drove up the 29th of June. They pitched their tents in a circle, along with Jake, creating a courtyard effect. Ron placed his pickup camper down near the haystack, not his normal spot. His sisters and daughter set up camp near the old homestead. Marj and Scott had their pickup tent near the kids, Mick and Glenna were on the other side of the house. Del and Nancy, along with Kena and her baby Bently were in the fifth. Jay slept inside in one of the bedrooms as did Ron's mother. Ruth and Dee stayed in their room. It was a sad time. Gary's passing left a large void yet again. Our camper was missing. It was more of an anchor for everyone than we realized. I had not planned on going, however, I woke up Saturday and kept feeling like I was supposed to go. I had a home inspection scheduled for a client. I opened up the house and waited for the inspection to be completed. I ended up leaving town around 6:00. I arrived at the farm around 9:20 p.m. I made great time. Upon my arrival I found out that Ruth had been taken into Burley to the hospital. Her leg was inflamed with Staff infection. She so wanted to be there that week end that she waited far too long to get into the doctor that she was admitted into ICU. Not only was Gary missing, but so was MOM. I ended up sleeping in Ron and Gayle's camper. I helped Marj make lunch on Sunday and was able to hit the road again around 2:30 p.m. We, the kids and I, stopped in Burley and told Ruth hello and hit the road. I can't say that I will go back, but perhaps. The kids took pictures of the "Grove", a spot that was special to them and Gary. Upon looking at the pictures on the computer, there are blurry spots, some almost seemingly body shaped. Rachel thought perhaps her screen was dirty. Even after cleaning, the pictures still showed a "shape". The kids went to the sandstone. Gary always took Rachel to the sandstone every summer, regardless of how hot it was. They carved new initials and maintained old carvings. This year my sweet babies went together. My heart aches with their pain. The pictures show their emotions, even with the sun glasses on. The pictures from the sandstone showed "orbs" when looking at them on the computer. I know Gary was there with the kids. He was carving away at his intitials and at mine. The kids told me someone had been maintaining Gary's intitials and that they had also engraved a cross below Gary's. What a wonderful family we have been blessed with.
My neice Melanie, has been wanting Gary to visit her in her dreams. She had not had this happen until this week. She texted me the other morning and said to me, "guess who visited me last night?" I was getting ready to call her when she called me. She told me to guess on the phone and I told her I did not know. She then informed me "Uncle". I said, "really. Tell me about it" She said it was weird. She was driving a car into the shop. The kids were young, but they should not be. She said she opened the door and got out of the car. Gary opened his arms, smiling, and she ran into them and they hugged. She said she told him she loved him. She knew he was gone, but he was there, hugging her. She wanted to ask him so much, but she could only hug him. Gary told her that I was in my office. She told me she wanted to see me, but did not want to leave Gary. She hugged him more, then he stopped hugging and she woke up. I do believe this was Gary letting her know he loved her and he was okay. A day later her doctor sent her for an MRI. She started having anxiety that Gary was there to take her into our Fathers Heavenly Kingdom. I think he was just giving her strength and wanting her to have trust and faith in God. She informed me that so far, things seem to be okay with the MRI. Praise God.
Ruth, Gary's mom, was released from the Burley hospital and admitted to Elks Rehab here in Boise. We have found out that she has been released. I must confess, I have not been to visit her. My life has become rather crazy and I have not managed my time as well as perhaps I should. I have been working GT as well as teaching one swim lesson class and quite busy with real estate, which I love. Swim lessons have wiped me out, even an hour. How did I ever manage the 11 hours a day I used to do? The little kids really fill my soul with joy. They are so innocent and offer so much love. They are blessings from God.
I would like to point out to one and all. I do understand that I have differnt viewpoints about life and death. Yes, I am grieving. No I am not losing my mind. Sometimes I wish that would be true. I embrace that there are things that take us out of comfort zones and does not fall into what "normal" society dictates we should believe. I do believe that there are psychics that take advantage of individuals. I also believe there are people out there who truly have gifts from God that allow them the ability to see beyond what is "normal". I am not bonkers, at least, no more than what is normal, what I have always been like, even as a child. I believe there is more than what we are experiencing on this earth. I believe in God and His power and the blessings He rains on us. When it is my time, I encourage my children to rejoice that I am in a better place and that even though my physical body is no longer with them, my spirit, through God's Glory, will continue to warm them and guide them, as does Gary. I am saddened that my soul mate has left this earth, but I also rejoice that he is with God and happy.
Enjoy everyday. They truly are gifts from God.
Love and Blessings,
Sue
Thursday, June 14, 2012
How to continue living?
The days seemed to blend into each other. Daily chores get done. We put smiles on our faces, but it is hard to bring them on into our eyes. Our hearts ache. We know there are other families who have experienced a tragedy such as losing a parent, a spouse, but our world has been rocked, turned upside down.
We celebrated Ajay's 23rd birthday on the 7th of June. We went out for a celebration dinner. We sure did miss Gary. His absence was definately felt in each of our hearts. We enjoyed good food and love of family. We had a server who informed us we passed his test. After being seated, he came and took our drink orders. He introduced himself as John, however, his name tagged said Johnny. He brought our drinks and took our food order. He came to check on us while we waited for the food to arrive and I asked him if he preferred John over Johnny and why the difference between the name tag and his introduction. He informed us that he started studying people and their listening skills and this was a way to see how well people paid attention. Since I had called him John, he said I passed, I paid attention to what was being said. I, too, have found that people quite often hear something said, just part of it, and then start thinking about what they want to say in reply, and then don't finish listening to the whole conversation. I must admit, I have been guilty of this. I just have been trying to be more attentive to others instead of myself and my pity party. Back to the birthday dinner. A first. A first birthday celebration without Gary. I hate it. Ajay hated it. We all hated it.
Another first....My children celebrating Father's Day without their dad. It is so hard to get past this. Past years were spent boating with Gary. He loved the lake. He would surf and then when he was done, he would get in the boat, and many times would come over and sit on me, dripping cold dirty lake water on me, smiling and laughingly saying I was looking too hot, I needed cooling down. Can't we rewind time and go back?? I can't breathe sometimes because the grief overcomes me. How do I go on without him? I don't want this path. It can't be real. Please let us wake up from this horrible, terrible nightmare. Is this what I have left, kissing a black, stickered box, that holds my husband's ashes, good night?? I pray, I beg, please God, bring him back. Grant this miracle. I am so selfish. I know he is in a glorious place. Gary gave us so much love. What a fantastic man Gary was. Please, don't be gone. We have been visited just a couple of times in our dreams by Gary. The kids and I talk about our dreams. There have been times when they have been very similar on the same night. We always know, when Gary is talking with us, that he has gone to God's kingdom. We are so glad to be talking with him, that we don't always ask the things we were wanting to ask. I have so many things I need to talk with him about and I am unable. He had specific ideas/plans for things at the shop and I don't remember what he told me. I don't want to make these decisions by myself. I can't. I am so scared. I am so tired, defeated, knowing I am not supposed to give up, praying every second for God to grant me strength. My family and I do not laugh quite as much these days. When we do, it is not true laughter, but brief, often forced. We keep ourselves busy. We find things to pass the time, to keep our minds occupied from what is always lurking inside them, our loss.
I received a letter from St. Lukes today. They proceeded to give their condolences, and then asked for payment for some of Gary's bills. Oh, by the way, we're sorry your husband died, but we want paid now. And life goes on..........
The shop has been a roller coaster lately. I guess people are not sure about bringing their vehicles in. Gary was a Master Mechanic. This is a true statement. However, he was also a fantastic educator, teacher. He taught Justin and Ajay great skills. It makes me sad that there seems to be doubt. If we are unable to repair something, we have ethics and honesty. We will inform the customer upfront. We also have experienced mechanics who we are able to call upon for assistance if we do have difficulties. We are contemplating on hiring another mechanic, just once again, something that causes me distress and weariness.
I have been working with a couple of clients again. The market is insane and frustrating at times. Inventory is dwindling and it is becoming a time of multi offers on one property. Bring your best and final bid. We have had people ask us what they can do to help us through this time of sadness and trials. One of the best things for me is referrals. I would like to have more clients. I would appreciate the opportunity to interview to assist sellers or buyers. It is a good time to list a house for sale. Prices are not at the outrageous price point they were several years back, however, they are rising. Boise is a strong market.
We thank everyone for the prayers being prayed for us. They are giving us strength. I don't understand why we are having to once again walk a path that is so challenging, but I/We will put our faith and trust in God. Yes, there are many tears and we want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world, but we are not allowed that luxury. We will fight. We will live. We will have faith and love for our God. We will continue to praise God and give Him Glory for the life we do have. We are so blessed. One day, we will be with Gary again.
If you sit quietly and listen, you might just hear Gary talking with you and proclaiming the Glory of God's kingdom.
I sent out hugs and kisses to all.
Love and Blessings,
Sue
We celebrated Ajay's 23rd birthday on the 7th of June. We went out for a celebration dinner. We sure did miss Gary. His absence was definately felt in each of our hearts. We enjoyed good food and love of family. We had a server who informed us we passed his test. After being seated, he came and took our drink orders. He introduced himself as John, however, his name tagged said Johnny. He brought our drinks and took our food order. He came to check on us while we waited for the food to arrive and I asked him if he preferred John over Johnny and why the difference between the name tag and his introduction. He informed us that he started studying people and their listening skills and this was a way to see how well people paid attention. Since I had called him John, he said I passed, I paid attention to what was being said. I, too, have found that people quite often hear something said, just part of it, and then start thinking about what they want to say in reply, and then don't finish listening to the whole conversation. I must admit, I have been guilty of this. I just have been trying to be more attentive to others instead of myself and my pity party. Back to the birthday dinner. A first. A first birthday celebration without Gary. I hate it. Ajay hated it. We all hated it.
Another first....My children celebrating Father's Day without their dad. It is so hard to get past this. Past years were spent boating with Gary. He loved the lake. He would surf and then when he was done, he would get in the boat, and many times would come over and sit on me, dripping cold dirty lake water on me, smiling and laughingly saying I was looking too hot, I needed cooling down. Can't we rewind time and go back?? I can't breathe sometimes because the grief overcomes me. How do I go on without him? I don't want this path. It can't be real. Please let us wake up from this horrible, terrible nightmare. Is this what I have left, kissing a black, stickered box, that holds my husband's ashes, good night?? I pray, I beg, please God, bring him back. Grant this miracle. I am so selfish. I know he is in a glorious place. Gary gave us so much love. What a fantastic man Gary was. Please, don't be gone. We have been visited just a couple of times in our dreams by Gary. The kids and I talk about our dreams. There have been times when they have been very similar on the same night. We always know, when Gary is talking with us, that he has gone to God's kingdom. We are so glad to be talking with him, that we don't always ask the things we were wanting to ask. I have so many things I need to talk with him about and I am unable. He had specific ideas/plans for things at the shop and I don't remember what he told me. I don't want to make these decisions by myself. I can't. I am so scared. I am so tired, defeated, knowing I am not supposed to give up, praying every second for God to grant me strength. My family and I do not laugh quite as much these days. When we do, it is not true laughter, but brief, often forced. We keep ourselves busy. We find things to pass the time, to keep our minds occupied from what is always lurking inside them, our loss.
I received a letter from St. Lukes today. They proceeded to give their condolences, and then asked for payment for some of Gary's bills. Oh, by the way, we're sorry your husband died, but we want paid now. And life goes on..........
The shop has been a roller coaster lately. I guess people are not sure about bringing their vehicles in. Gary was a Master Mechanic. This is a true statement. However, he was also a fantastic educator, teacher. He taught Justin and Ajay great skills. It makes me sad that there seems to be doubt. If we are unable to repair something, we have ethics and honesty. We will inform the customer upfront. We also have experienced mechanics who we are able to call upon for assistance if we do have difficulties. We are contemplating on hiring another mechanic, just once again, something that causes me distress and weariness.
I have been working with a couple of clients again. The market is insane and frustrating at times. Inventory is dwindling and it is becoming a time of multi offers on one property. Bring your best and final bid. We have had people ask us what they can do to help us through this time of sadness and trials. One of the best things for me is referrals. I would like to have more clients. I would appreciate the opportunity to interview to assist sellers or buyers. It is a good time to list a house for sale. Prices are not at the outrageous price point they were several years back, however, they are rising. Boise is a strong market.
We thank everyone for the prayers being prayed for us. They are giving us strength. I don't understand why we are having to once again walk a path that is so challenging, but I/We will put our faith and trust in God. Yes, there are many tears and we want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world, but we are not allowed that luxury. We will fight. We will live. We will have faith and love for our God. We will continue to praise God and give Him Glory for the life we do have. We are so blessed. One day, we will be with Gary again.
If you sit quietly and listen, you might just hear Gary talking with you and proclaiming the Glory of God's kingdom.
I sent out hugs and kisses to all.
Love and Blessings,
Sue
Thursday, June 7, 2012
The Psychic!
I did not accomplish much that first Monday. I spent time with Tim and his family. We spent time outside, hanging out by the pool. They flew home on Tuesday.
Back to Monday--Josh received a call from the psychic, Jackie, who we had contacted before Gary's death. I feel I must give some background and insight on some of my beliefs and interests. Yes, I believe in ghosts, spirits. Yes, I believe there are negative/evil spirits or ghosts, but there are more good and loving ones than bad. I know my house is inhabited with spirits. My house, not only is a revolving door for spirits, but also has two spirits who exist here daily. There was a time, until just recently when there were three in residence. I banished the adult male. He had negative energy. I would wake to him standing by my bed, evil surrounding him. I would scream and scoot over to cower in fear next to Gary. He had learned over the years to just pat my leg and soothingly tell me that the spirit was gone. Gary told me he never saw or felt the man. I talk to the spirits. I tell them to go into the light, to go to God. I tell them they can only stay awhile and only if they mean no harm. I have an adult female here as well. She would hold Rachel, cuddle with her, when Rachel would be upset when Gary and I had our fights. I have a child spirit. The child would play with Rachel. Zach would not talk much about them, although I knew he saw them. Ajay would scream and cry and ask me to tell them to leave his room. He did not want them here. I would tell them to leave the room. Ajay's room was his haven. Forbidden to them.
I would be the last one to leave the house in the mornings. I would shut the bedroom doors. I would push on them to make sure they were securely shut and fastened. I would be the first one home. Rachel's door would be open most days. A little eerie at times. Ajay told me recently that if he came home first, he would open all the bedroom doors. He would then go watch tv. He said that quite frequently Rachel's door would slam shut. No, the window was not open.
A few months back, I awoke to a male standing next to me. I screamed, but instead of cowering in fear, I jumped out of bed and chased it into the closet. Gary, calmly informed me to come back into bed. It was gone. I have not been bothered since.
Okay, Jackie, the Psychic. When she called Josh a week after Gary's death, Josh informed her of Gary's passing. Immediately, she told Josh that Gary was coming through. He was there with her, talking to her. Jackie said she could come to my house. You see, she had given Rachel and I a reading sometime in late 2010 or early 2011. She wanted to come see my spirits. She told Rachel and I that there were 3 ghosts in the house and many who came and went. There was no way she could know this. Jackie also informed us of other things that were private. Josh called me to confirm the date and time. While he was talking with me, Jackie called him again. I told Josh to answer her call, confirm the date and time and call me back. When Josh called me back, he was very emotional. He informed me some of the things Gary was saying. Gary told Jackie to tell us that when Lucky the dog barks, he will be with us. Lucky, since Gary has joined God, would be laying quietly and then would bark, or wag his tail and look at something in the room. Jackie said she could see the color purple. I like purple. Gary was red and black. Gary told Jackie to tell us he is happy. He knows that Rachel needs him, but she should refer to a card, or his writing. We haven't found this as of yet. He talked about a clock, or a watch, to check the time. We are not sure. My last gift was a watch. The clock also fell off of the wall Monday morning before I left for work on the day Gary died. I thought he had fallen. Gary told Jackie he wished he could had told his dad Dee that he loved him and could had hugged him before he left. Gary said he knew he would go first, not me. Gary told Jackie that his family would be surprised he was talking with her. He said his family did not believe that he believed in this ability. Gary would always roll his eyes at us and give us his sweet impish smile whenever we talked about psychics.
Josh came over to my house at around 6:00 that night. He called Jackie and put her on speaker. Rachel, Josh, Zach, I think, and myself were in the living room. Jackie said that Gary said to tell me that I am the fighter and to keep on fighting. He said, "thanks for letting me go, it was peaceful". He told us it was okay someone wasn't there. We are wondering if perhaps he was referencing Ajay not going to the mortuary and seeing his body, to say another good bye. Ajay has never been one to want to view a corpse. Jackie said that Gary talked about a flower he gave me and how we laughed. My memory has lapses in it, which, I believe is due to my chemo. I do remember something about a flower, couldn't tell you what it looked like, but I do remember the laughter. We laughed so hard we cried and I just about peed my pants.
Gary said that there was a woman at the funeral and what she talked about was beautiful. Not sure who he was referencing. He said he was watching from the window ledge and laughing with us all.
He told me not to move the picture. I was not sure what picture he was indicating. (I will come back to the picture shortly.) Gary said he was sorry that he couldn't go on the journey with me. We were supposed to go back to Malaysia and make the journey of the Tiger. We were to go to Sifu's Temple in the jungle. He told Jackie to thank us for the caress on his cheek, or forehead. She said she saw Gary tough is forehead, but felt the touch on the cheek. When Gary died in my car, I was caressing his cheek. We also caressed his cheek and forehead while he lay on the cold steel table in the Mortuary, as well as the night he died.. Gary told Jackie he had no idea how easy it would be to communicate with her. He said these words, Isabelle morning flight. We do not have a clue what these mean. He mentioned the word roast. Jackie asked if Gary liked roast. I told her no, we jokingly called it Groast beef dinner when I made it. Perhaps Gary was referring to the celebration. It was like it was a "Roast" of him. Gary mentioned 3 names to Jackie. She only told us two, which were: Laurie, Mickie. Jackie informed us that a brother figure met him and led him. We told Jackie he has not had a brother die. Gary talked about an upstairs light being broke-it flickered. Not sure on this one, however, a week after Gary's joining God in His Kingdom, our main office at the shop had electrical problems. The power would not stay on. We ended up having an electrician in to discover the problem. It was a broken sign hanging outside over the door. HMMMMM!!!!!! Jackie said Josh was her instant connection to Gary. Jackie said she finally had to tell Gary enough. She was worn out. He had talked with her for over 2 hours. She told Gary he could say one more thing. He said, "Pickle Juice". This could be a couple of things. A jar of pickles tipped over and spilled in the fridge that week. It coud also be a little joke. We had watched an episode of That 70's show where Fez had said, " you know what a funny word is? Pickle Weasel." I thought this was quite comical. However, with my memory issues, I turned it into Pickle Juice. I would walk around and tell Gary this. I even used it as a password on something. Crazy, yes?
Thursday was the appointment day that Jackie came to my house. It was so hard to get through the week. I wanted the connection to Gary through Jackie every day. Rachel wrote down what was said. We also had a tape recorder going. Unfortunately, the recording is not great quality. There is a buzzing through the whole reading. Rachel also has the notes, so I will most likely not be able to remember everything that was said. I want to share, but it could be in several different posts.
I have this trunk that holds blankets. It sits against the wall in between Gary's chair and the tv. I moved the trunk over by the coat closet and brought in a padded lawn chair for Jackie to sit in. She was situated so we could all view her. Okay, back to the trunk. Jackie told us that there was a trunk. I said, "yes. It normally is where she is sitting, but had been moved in order to put her where she was." She said that Ajay was supposed to have it. I said, "no, there was no ties with the trunk. I bought it just for storage." Jackie then said that there was something in it for Ajay, something that he needed. When she left and we moved the trunk back to its place, Ajay opened it and looked inside. He found a repair manual that he needed for a car that has been at the shop. They were wanting to put it on the schedule and fix it so we could sell it.
Jackie asked at one point who the skeptic was? We all laughed and looked at Ajay and informed her it was Ajay. She told Ajay that he had the same ability as she did, he just needed to relax and nurture it. Jackie said Ajay could talk with his dad. I believe Ajay would get so scared as a child with all the spirits, that he disallowed himself to continue to see and hear. Ajay told me what the male figure looked like. What he saw. It was so surprising to me because, what he described is what I envisioned. I did not even know I had a mental picture of the male. Zach also informed me that he saw the same guy walking up and down the hallway when he was a child. Jackie told us we had a female. She was attached to the house, the land. Perhaps research might disclose who she was and why she was here. The female is kind and she comforts me when Gary is unable to do so. I was laying in a bed a week or so ago, crying and asking Gary to come back. My hair was moving, as if someone was soothing my head. NO, there was not a breeze blowing, or a fan.
Jackie at one point asked if she could say anything she was told or heard. I informed her that we had no secrets, say anything Gary is telling her. She looked at me and said, "Gary says not to kill yourself". I told her I wasn't planning on it. If I did, I would not be able to join him. That is what I want, to be with Gary again. She said that Gary told her it wasn't my time yet, that I had a mission. I am slightly annoyed. I would like to know the mission. I guess I had a few people worried that I was going to "off" myself due to my distress. My life is a gift from God and I will not take this blessing lightly. I must say, tho, I am not afraid of death any longer. I know Gary will be waiting when I am called into God's Kingdom. I guess the hard part is continuing to live.
Jackie told Rachel Gary says the baby is coming. He told her she did not always have to be strong and in control. My daughter is a very organized young woman. She does not like disorder.
We asked about Jody. She was Gary's neice who was killed in a car crash. Jackie told us she had such a sense of sadness. Gary would not say anything about her. I looked at Josh and he seemed to be holding back tears. Later, after Jackie left, Josh said he had such an overwhelming sense of sadness when we asked about Jody. He said he almost passed out. I have to add as a side note, that Josh has just recently become less of a skeptic himself. He took Rachel to see Jackie in August as a birthday gift. Instead of Rachel being read, Josh had his own family members who have pass, come to say things to him. It definately came him another way of looking at things.
Gary told us through Jackie that he would be using animals to come to us at times. He said if a bird hung around or came really close to us, it was him. Crazily enough,we have had some recent experiences with birds coming quite close to us and doing odd things.
I told you I would come back to the picture. One of Gary's aunts brought a couple of pictures on Saturday, the day of celebrating his life. She let me choose one. I chose a picture of Jesus, standing sideways, staring out at the land. He was holding a staff and surrounded by sheep. When Jackie was talking with us, she said, "is there a picture here on my left?" She turned her head and saw the picture. She told us Gary says not to move this picture. I guess he does not want us to lose our love for Jesus. I have no anger at or for Jesus or God or the Holy Spirit. I know Gary is the lucky one. He has been blessed the ultimate blessing. Our Fathers Kingdom.
Jackie told Zach that he had an elder gentleman with him. He was kind of a jokester. Zach found this out a while ago. Maybe I already told the story, but it is worth mentioning again. Zach, Rachel and Josh were sitting watching TV at their home. They heard a knocking on the door into the house from the garage. Zach thought perhaps they neglected to shut the overhead down and their friend Jeremy was knocking on that door. He has done this before. When Zach opened the door, no one was there and the overhead was closed. Weird. I am not quite sure of the timeline, but I believe it was only a few days, if not the same day, when Zach awoke around 4:00 a.m. to someone knocking on his bedroom door. When he opened the door, no one was there. He was a little spooked. I told him speak aloud that this was unacceptable and that his bedroom was his personal space. Zach has not had any incidences since.
There are more Jackie sayings, but I am becoming mentally foggy. It is late, or early, however you want to look at it. I stayed up reading until 2:30 a.m. last night. Maybe I can sleep for 3 hours in a row tonight.
Gary used to snap my panties. He thought it was funny. He wasn't being mean, just teasing. Sometimes he would get quite the snap. He also used to tug the back of my hair. His way of showing he loved me. I was boohooing one night as I lay in bed. I was telling Gary how I missed him, how I missed the flipping and the tugging. I was also having quite the hot flash. I had the covers flung off. My little black Minuet jumped up on my bed, walked across me, grabbed my panties at the waistline and flipped me. She then jumped off my bed. I guess Gary was telling me he was with me. Another day, I was sitting in Gary's room, where we keep the ski machine, boohooing and holding a picture of the two of us by Skeen Lake. I was talking and praying and missing him terribly. All the other pictures that were displayed at the celebration were laying on the massage table that holds the bio-mat. Little Minny jumped up on the table, walked across the pictures, stopped at the one that was displayed behind his ashes at the celebration. It is the one of Gary skiing and jumping. Minny looked at me, put her head down, licked Gary's figure, looked at me, did it again, and then jumped down and left the room.
Jackie told the kids that Gary was with me more than them at this time. He said I needed him more. He told Jackie to tell me he always kisses me goodnight. He said that when I sit outside and there is no wind or breeze, but I feel a breeze on my cheek, it will be him, caressing my cheek. Jackie did not know that I sit outside quite frequently praying and talking with God. Gary knew this was my habit, my meditation, rejuvenation time.
I watched a slightly scary movie last night. I had all the animals in with me. The doors were shut and locked. The animal at one point, went from sleeping to looking up at certain places in the room. I could sense something, but not sure what spirit was visiting us. After the movie, I was talking with Rachel on the phone, and a breeze caressed my cheek and my hand. True story. During the movie, at one point, my hair was being caressed.
It is time to sign off. The house is making noise. The cat's are getting wide eyed. They want my attention. I think they are ready for bed and cuddle time.
Remember life is a blessing. I encourage all to work through the problems that sometimes come into our lives. Release the anger, hold only onto your love for each other. Change happens in a blink of an eye. Material things don't last, don't keep us content for long. Embrace God and each other. God will see you through all your challenges. He often works in ways we do not understand and does not always do what we think should be done. Remember to believe in Him. Four simple words can get you through.....I Trust You, Jesus.
Love and Blessings,
Sue
Back to Monday--Josh received a call from the psychic, Jackie, who we had contacted before Gary's death. I feel I must give some background and insight on some of my beliefs and interests. Yes, I believe in ghosts, spirits. Yes, I believe there are negative/evil spirits or ghosts, but there are more good and loving ones than bad. I know my house is inhabited with spirits. My house, not only is a revolving door for spirits, but also has two spirits who exist here daily. There was a time, until just recently when there were three in residence. I banished the adult male. He had negative energy. I would wake to him standing by my bed, evil surrounding him. I would scream and scoot over to cower in fear next to Gary. He had learned over the years to just pat my leg and soothingly tell me that the spirit was gone. Gary told me he never saw or felt the man. I talk to the spirits. I tell them to go into the light, to go to God. I tell them they can only stay awhile and only if they mean no harm. I have an adult female here as well. She would hold Rachel, cuddle with her, when Rachel would be upset when Gary and I had our fights. I have a child spirit. The child would play with Rachel. Zach would not talk much about them, although I knew he saw them. Ajay would scream and cry and ask me to tell them to leave his room. He did not want them here. I would tell them to leave the room. Ajay's room was his haven. Forbidden to them.
I would be the last one to leave the house in the mornings. I would shut the bedroom doors. I would push on them to make sure they were securely shut and fastened. I would be the first one home. Rachel's door would be open most days. A little eerie at times. Ajay told me recently that if he came home first, he would open all the bedroom doors. He would then go watch tv. He said that quite frequently Rachel's door would slam shut. No, the window was not open.
A few months back, I awoke to a male standing next to me. I screamed, but instead of cowering in fear, I jumped out of bed and chased it into the closet. Gary, calmly informed me to come back into bed. It was gone. I have not been bothered since.
Okay, Jackie, the Psychic. When she called Josh a week after Gary's death, Josh informed her of Gary's passing. Immediately, she told Josh that Gary was coming through. He was there with her, talking to her. Jackie said she could come to my house. You see, she had given Rachel and I a reading sometime in late 2010 or early 2011. She wanted to come see my spirits. She told Rachel and I that there were 3 ghosts in the house and many who came and went. There was no way she could know this. Jackie also informed us of other things that were private. Josh called me to confirm the date and time. While he was talking with me, Jackie called him again. I told Josh to answer her call, confirm the date and time and call me back. When Josh called me back, he was very emotional. He informed me some of the things Gary was saying. Gary told Jackie to tell us that when Lucky the dog barks, he will be with us. Lucky, since Gary has joined God, would be laying quietly and then would bark, or wag his tail and look at something in the room. Jackie said she could see the color purple. I like purple. Gary was red and black. Gary told Jackie to tell us he is happy. He knows that Rachel needs him, but she should refer to a card, or his writing. We haven't found this as of yet. He talked about a clock, or a watch, to check the time. We are not sure. My last gift was a watch. The clock also fell off of the wall Monday morning before I left for work on the day Gary died. I thought he had fallen. Gary told Jackie he wished he could had told his dad Dee that he loved him and could had hugged him before he left. Gary said he knew he would go first, not me. Gary told Jackie that his family would be surprised he was talking with her. He said his family did not believe that he believed in this ability. Gary would always roll his eyes at us and give us his sweet impish smile whenever we talked about psychics.
Josh came over to my house at around 6:00 that night. He called Jackie and put her on speaker. Rachel, Josh, Zach, I think, and myself were in the living room. Jackie said that Gary said to tell me that I am the fighter and to keep on fighting. He said, "thanks for letting me go, it was peaceful". He told us it was okay someone wasn't there. We are wondering if perhaps he was referencing Ajay not going to the mortuary and seeing his body, to say another good bye. Ajay has never been one to want to view a corpse. Jackie said that Gary talked about a flower he gave me and how we laughed. My memory has lapses in it, which, I believe is due to my chemo. I do remember something about a flower, couldn't tell you what it looked like, but I do remember the laughter. We laughed so hard we cried and I just about peed my pants.
Gary said that there was a woman at the funeral and what she talked about was beautiful. Not sure who he was referencing. He said he was watching from the window ledge and laughing with us all.
He told me not to move the picture. I was not sure what picture he was indicating. (I will come back to the picture shortly.) Gary said he was sorry that he couldn't go on the journey with me. We were supposed to go back to Malaysia and make the journey of the Tiger. We were to go to Sifu's Temple in the jungle. He told Jackie to thank us for the caress on his cheek, or forehead. She said she saw Gary tough is forehead, but felt the touch on the cheek. When Gary died in my car, I was caressing his cheek. We also caressed his cheek and forehead while he lay on the cold steel table in the Mortuary, as well as the night he died.. Gary told Jackie he had no idea how easy it would be to communicate with her. He said these words, Isabelle morning flight. We do not have a clue what these mean. He mentioned the word roast. Jackie asked if Gary liked roast. I told her no, we jokingly called it Groast beef dinner when I made it. Perhaps Gary was referring to the celebration. It was like it was a "Roast" of him. Gary mentioned 3 names to Jackie. She only told us two, which were: Laurie, Mickie. Jackie informed us that a brother figure met him and led him. We told Jackie he has not had a brother die. Gary talked about an upstairs light being broke-it flickered. Not sure on this one, however, a week after Gary's joining God in His Kingdom, our main office at the shop had electrical problems. The power would not stay on. We ended up having an electrician in to discover the problem. It was a broken sign hanging outside over the door. HMMMMM!!!!!! Jackie said Josh was her instant connection to Gary. Jackie said she finally had to tell Gary enough. She was worn out. He had talked with her for over 2 hours. She told Gary he could say one more thing. He said, "Pickle Juice". This could be a couple of things. A jar of pickles tipped over and spilled in the fridge that week. It coud also be a little joke. We had watched an episode of That 70's show where Fez had said, " you know what a funny word is? Pickle Weasel." I thought this was quite comical. However, with my memory issues, I turned it into Pickle Juice. I would walk around and tell Gary this. I even used it as a password on something. Crazy, yes?
Thursday was the appointment day that Jackie came to my house. It was so hard to get through the week. I wanted the connection to Gary through Jackie every day. Rachel wrote down what was said. We also had a tape recorder going. Unfortunately, the recording is not great quality. There is a buzzing through the whole reading. Rachel also has the notes, so I will most likely not be able to remember everything that was said. I want to share, but it could be in several different posts.
I have this trunk that holds blankets. It sits against the wall in between Gary's chair and the tv. I moved the trunk over by the coat closet and brought in a padded lawn chair for Jackie to sit in. She was situated so we could all view her. Okay, back to the trunk. Jackie told us that there was a trunk. I said, "yes. It normally is where she is sitting, but had been moved in order to put her where she was." She said that Ajay was supposed to have it. I said, "no, there was no ties with the trunk. I bought it just for storage." Jackie then said that there was something in it for Ajay, something that he needed. When she left and we moved the trunk back to its place, Ajay opened it and looked inside. He found a repair manual that he needed for a car that has been at the shop. They were wanting to put it on the schedule and fix it so we could sell it.
Jackie asked at one point who the skeptic was? We all laughed and looked at Ajay and informed her it was Ajay. She told Ajay that he had the same ability as she did, he just needed to relax and nurture it. Jackie said Ajay could talk with his dad. I believe Ajay would get so scared as a child with all the spirits, that he disallowed himself to continue to see and hear. Ajay told me what the male figure looked like. What he saw. It was so surprising to me because, what he described is what I envisioned. I did not even know I had a mental picture of the male. Zach also informed me that he saw the same guy walking up and down the hallway when he was a child. Jackie told us we had a female. She was attached to the house, the land. Perhaps research might disclose who she was and why she was here. The female is kind and she comforts me when Gary is unable to do so. I was laying in a bed a week or so ago, crying and asking Gary to come back. My hair was moving, as if someone was soothing my head. NO, there was not a breeze blowing, or a fan.
Jackie at one point asked if she could say anything she was told or heard. I informed her that we had no secrets, say anything Gary is telling her. She looked at me and said, "Gary says not to kill yourself". I told her I wasn't planning on it. If I did, I would not be able to join him. That is what I want, to be with Gary again. She said that Gary told her it wasn't my time yet, that I had a mission. I am slightly annoyed. I would like to know the mission. I guess I had a few people worried that I was going to "off" myself due to my distress. My life is a gift from God and I will not take this blessing lightly. I must say, tho, I am not afraid of death any longer. I know Gary will be waiting when I am called into God's Kingdom. I guess the hard part is continuing to live.
Jackie told Rachel Gary says the baby is coming. He told her she did not always have to be strong and in control. My daughter is a very organized young woman. She does not like disorder.
We asked about Jody. She was Gary's neice who was killed in a car crash. Jackie told us she had such a sense of sadness. Gary would not say anything about her. I looked at Josh and he seemed to be holding back tears. Later, after Jackie left, Josh said he had such an overwhelming sense of sadness when we asked about Jody. He said he almost passed out. I have to add as a side note, that Josh has just recently become less of a skeptic himself. He took Rachel to see Jackie in August as a birthday gift. Instead of Rachel being read, Josh had his own family members who have pass, come to say things to him. It definately came him another way of looking at things.
Gary told us through Jackie that he would be using animals to come to us at times. He said if a bird hung around or came really close to us, it was him. Crazily enough,we have had some recent experiences with birds coming quite close to us and doing odd things.
I told you I would come back to the picture. One of Gary's aunts brought a couple of pictures on Saturday, the day of celebrating his life. She let me choose one. I chose a picture of Jesus, standing sideways, staring out at the land. He was holding a staff and surrounded by sheep. When Jackie was talking with us, she said, "is there a picture here on my left?" She turned her head and saw the picture. She told us Gary says not to move this picture. I guess he does not want us to lose our love for Jesus. I have no anger at or for Jesus or God or the Holy Spirit. I know Gary is the lucky one. He has been blessed the ultimate blessing. Our Fathers Kingdom.
Jackie told Zach that he had an elder gentleman with him. He was kind of a jokester. Zach found this out a while ago. Maybe I already told the story, but it is worth mentioning again. Zach, Rachel and Josh were sitting watching TV at their home. They heard a knocking on the door into the house from the garage. Zach thought perhaps they neglected to shut the overhead down and their friend Jeremy was knocking on that door. He has done this before. When Zach opened the door, no one was there and the overhead was closed. Weird. I am not quite sure of the timeline, but I believe it was only a few days, if not the same day, when Zach awoke around 4:00 a.m. to someone knocking on his bedroom door. When he opened the door, no one was there. He was a little spooked. I told him speak aloud that this was unacceptable and that his bedroom was his personal space. Zach has not had any incidences since.
There are more Jackie sayings, but I am becoming mentally foggy. It is late, or early, however you want to look at it. I stayed up reading until 2:30 a.m. last night. Maybe I can sleep for 3 hours in a row tonight.
Gary used to snap my panties. He thought it was funny. He wasn't being mean, just teasing. Sometimes he would get quite the snap. He also used to tug the back of my hair. His way of showing he loved me. I was boohooing one night as I lay in bed. I was telling Gary how I missed him, how I missed the flipping and the tugging. I was also having quite the hot flash. I had the covers flung off. My little black Minuet jumped up on my bed, walked across me, grabbed my panties at the waistline and flipped me. She then jumped off my bed. I guess Gary was telling me he was with me. Another day, I was sitting in Gary's room, where we keep the ski machine, boohooing and holding a picture of the two of us by Skeen Lake. I was talking and praying and missing him terribly. All the other pictures that were displayed at the celebration were laying on the massage table that holds the bio-mat. Little Minny jumped up on the table, walked across the pictures, stopped at the one that was displayed behind his ashes at the celebration. It is the one of Gary skiing and jumping. Minny looked at me, put her head down, licked Gary's figure, looked at me, did it again, and then jumped down and left the room.
Jackie told the kids that Gary was with me more than them at this time. He said I needed him more. He told Jackie to tell me he always kisses me goodnight. He said that when I sit outside and there is no wind or breeze, but I feel a breeze on my cheek, it will be him, caressing my cheek. Jackie did not know that I sit outside quite frequently praying and talking with God. Gary knew this was my habit, my meditation, rejuvenation time.
I watched a slightly scary movie last night. I had all the animals in with me. The doors were shut and locked. The animal at one point, went from sleeping to looking up at certain places in the room. I could sense something, but not sure what spirit was visiting us. After the movie, I was talking with Rachel on the phone, and a breeze caressed my cheek and my hand. True story. During the movie, at one point, my hair was being caressed.
It is time to sign off. The house is making noise. The cat's are getting wide eyed. They want my attention. I think they are ready for bed and cuddle time.
Remember life is a blessing. I encourage all to work through the problems that sometimes come into our lives. Release the anger, hold only onto your love for each other. Change happens in a blink of an eye. Material things don't last, don't keep us content for long. Embrace God and each other. God will see you through all your challenges. He often works in ways we do not understand and does not always do what we think should be done. Remember to believe in Him. Four simple words can get you through.....I Trust You, Jesus.
Love and Blessings,
Sue
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The Celebration
We celebrated Gary's life on May 12, 2012.
What a beautiful day God blessed us with! The day dawned with bright sunshine and just the right temperature. Slightly warm, but kissed with a breeze. My backyard was beautiful and showed the full Glory of God's nature. Thanks to family and friends, the lawn was mowed, weeds were pulled, piles of junk were dumped, flowers planted, pool worked on and cleaned. I/we are so blessed to have such wonderful love and support.
We received many beautiful bouquets of flowers which added more spring beauty. My wisteria was in full bloom and was so gorgeous. The kids brought a fooz ball table to encourage laughter and fun, which was what Gary embraced. He knew how to live. I miss him and his zest for adventure. I miss his voice, his warmth, and most definately his sense of humor. The house is so quiet.
Friends and family supplied delicious food for all who attended the celebration. It was wonderful to bask in the love, support and strength of everyone God has blessed us by bringing into our lives.
My family and I enjoyed the stories that were shared about Gary. I learned a few new things. I know it was difficult for some who stood in front of so many individuals and talked into a micrphone to give us a glimpse into who Gary was in your life. When I stood by a few and wrapped my arms around you, I felt your shaking. Thank you for honoring my husband. I thank you for your strength in telling your story. It brought Gary closer to us, when we know he is so far, yet also so near. It released some of our pain to be able to laugh and cry with all of our loved ones.
We had people tell us they saw Gary there with us. I know this is true. He was there, laughing with us all. I can envision his quiet, soft laugh. His lopsided smile, looking innocent, pointing to himself and saying, who me, when being tattled on.
The days after God called him home, were somewhat of a blur. Monday night did not offer much rest, just disbelief. Tuesday was horrendous and full of no's, this isn't happening, just a nightmare. I ended up taking an ambien that night. I felt like I needed assistance getting at least an hour of rest. I came out of my bathroom and found Rachel curled up crying on the end of Gary's side of our bed. I crawled up beside her to offer comfort, support and love. We cried for awhile. The next thing I knew, I awoke confused. It was around midnight. I was so disoriented. I just layed down. I had guests in my house, how rude of me. I sat up and there was a figure under the covers on Gary's side of the bed. I had a moment of "oh my gosh, what a horrible dream I just woke up from, Gary is not dead, he is alive, laying there sleeping". How wrong I was. Rachel had crawled up and under the covers. I just cried and crawled into bed beside her and had sporradic sleep the rest of the night. Not that unusual. I am usually awake between 2:00 and 2:30 a.m. Then 4:00 to 4:30 a.m. 6:00 to 6:20 was Gary's awake time, so that is normal time to wake up to make sure he would be getting his start to the day.
I asked Zach on Wednesday what time people went home and why they didn't wake me up. He said Rachel and I had passed out and were in a deep sleep. No one wanted to disturb us, including, Josh, Rachel's husband. He just left her sleeping and went home.
Thursday was hard. I snuck to the morturary to spend alone time with Gary's body. I wanted to plead to him, to God, for him to wake up. Climb off the table and come home. Gary would be such a great disciple for God. Why wouldn't God bring him back. God could. I guess he has other plans for Gary. My time with Gary was cut far too short. Even now, I find it hard to accept as reality that he is not with us. My heart aches non stop, yet, I have feelings of such joy that Gary is now in my Heavenly Father's Kingdom. He is surrounded by the ultimate warmth of God's Love. Why can't I be there with Gary, now?
Friday, I was screaming inside. All I could think about was that my husband's physical body was going away. I struggled every second. Saturday, Gary came home...., in a small black box. Isn't he just on a business trip? This can't be reality, can it? The kids sat together on the couch and stickered the box that held what was left of their father. How proud I am of their strength and unity. They used the artistic talent they inherited from their father and created a masterpiece that Gary would be satisfied with. Gary loved stickers. Yes, the majority of his stickers were red, black and white. They represented the motorized toys that he so enjoyed, or the activities that brought him great joy. We all picked out pictures of Gary to enlarge that would give people a glimpse of who he was and what he valued. We had a slide show going also that showed who my man was. How he embraced this life God gave him. Saturday was so bittersweet. It was a celebration, a party, yet also a formal good bye. We did enjoy the day and kept laughter flowing into the night. It is unfortunate that it sometimes takes such a sad event to bring together loved ones who life keeps apart for months, even years, because it is so fast paced.
Sunday brought us to Mother's Day. I know Gary's mom had sadness in her soul with her son being called to heaven and unable to enjoy the day with us. Gary had been looking so forward to starting a new relationship with his parents. He was excited that they moved to Boise. Gary told me he liked the idea of getting to know his dad in a new way. We started the day with a brunch at their new home. After enjoying a delicious meal, we said our good byes to Gary's brothers' and their families. They were heading back to Wyoming, and one went back to Twin Falls. He has two brothers who live in Kuna and a sister who lives near Eagle. Cousin/brother Ron and his wife Gayle live near us. My kids and I then headed to Meridian to spend some time with my mom and dad, as well as my sister, one of her daughters, my older brother and his family from Vancouver, Wa. and my younger brother and his family from Minnesota. I was feeling a little under the weather, so we only stayed for a couple of hours. We left and I came home and took a nap. Rachel and Josh graciously invited me to dinner. Tim and Christie and their children(Minnesota) joined. We ordered Chinese. After dinner, we played a game of hide and seek outside. It was difficult to embrace the laughter and living, but it is what Gary would want and expect us to do.
Monday. Hard to believe and accept it has been a week, only a week, but seeming much longer. I had my normal interrupted sleep pattern Sunday night. Rachel called me at 8:20 a.m. She asked if she woke me? I told her no, I was awake, just laying in bed, struggling with what my new normal was going to be.. She told me she needed a sense of normalcy. We always talk as she drives to school. We said our good byes when she arrived at Christine Donnell, School of the Arts. I fell asleep. Gary came to me. I saw him looking in the kitchen window. He was smiling. I was calling to him to stay, don't go. I was trying to get to the slider to get outside and grab hold of him. I was unable to get to him, I awoke to Zach calling out to me that someone was at the door, knocking. It was my brother Jim and his wife Lynn, coming to tell me good bye. They were heading back to Vancouver. We visitied for a short time and then said our good byes. I am so numb, but must show life.
What a beautiful day God blessed us with! The day dawned with bright sunshine and just the right temperature. Slightly warm, but kissed with a breeze. My backyard was beautiful and showed the full Glory of God's nature. Thanks to family and friends, the lawn was mowed, weeds were pulled, piles of junk were dumped, flowers planted, pool worked on and cleaned. I/we are so blessed to have such wonderful love and support.
We received many beautiful bouquets of flowers which added more spring beauty. My wisteria was in full bloom and was so gorgeous. The kids brought a fooz ball table to encourage laughter and fun, which was what Gary embraced. He knew how to live. I miss him and his zest for adventure. I miss his voice, his warmth, and most definately his sense of humor. The house is so quiet.
Friends and family supplied delicious food for all who attended the celebration. It was wonderful to bask in the love, support and strength of everyone God has blessed us by bringing into our lives.
My family and I enjoyed the stories that were shared about Gary. I learned a few new things. I know it was difficult for some who stood in front of so many individuals and talked into a micrphone to give us a glimpse into who Gary was in your life. When I stood by a few and wrapped my arms around you, I felt your shaking. Thank you for honoring my husband. I thank you for your strength in telling your story. It brought Gary closer to us, when we know he is so far, yet also so near. It released some of our pain to be able to laugh and cry with all of our loved ones.
We had people tell us they saw Gary there with us. I know this is true. He was there, laughing with us all. I can envision his quiet, soft laugh. His lopsided smile, looking innocent, pointing to himself and saying, who me, when being tattled on.
The days after God called him home, were somewhat of a blur. Monday night did not offer much rest, just disbelief. Tuesday was horrendous and full of no's, this isn't happening, just a nightmare. I ended up taking an ambien that night. I felt like I needed assistance getting at least an hour of rest. I came out of my bathroom and found Rachel curled up crying on the end of Gary's side of our bed. I crawled up beside her to offer comfort, support and love. We cried for awhile. The next thing I knew, I awoke confused. It was around midnight. I was so disoriented. I just layed down. I had guests in my house, how rude of me. I sat up and there was a figure under the covers on Gary's side of the bed. I had a moment of "oh my gosh, what a horrible dream I just woke up from, Gary is not dead, he is alive, laying there sleeping". How wrong I was. Rachel had crawled up and under the covers. I just cried and crawled into bed beside her and had sporradic sleep the rest of the night. Not that unusual. I am usually awake between 2:00 and 2:30 a.m. Then 4:00 to 4:30 a.m. 6:00 to 6:20 was Gary's awake time, so that is normal time to wake up to make sure he would be getting his start to the day.
I asked Zach on Wednesday what time people went home and why they didn't wake me up. He said Rachel and I had passed out and were in a deep sleep. No one wanted to disturb us, including, Josh, Rachel's husband. He just left her sleeping and went home.
Thursday was hard. I snuck to the morturary to spend alone time with Gary's body. I wanted to plead to him, to God, for him to wake up. Climb off the table and come home. Gary would be such a great disciple for God. Why wouldn't God bring him back. God could. I guess he has other plans for Gary. My time with Gary was cut far too short. Even now, I find it hard to accept as reality that he is not with us. My heart aches non stop, yet, I have feelings of such joy that Gary is now in my Heavenly Father's Kingdom. He is surrounded by the ultimate warmth of God's Love. Why can't I be there with Gary, now?
Friday, I was screaming inside. All I could think about was that my husband's physical body was going away. I struggled every second. Saturday, Gary came home...., in a small black box. Isn't he just on a business trip? This can't be reality, can it? The kids sat together on the couch and stickered the box that held what was left of their father. How proud I am of their strength and unity. They used the artistic talent they inherited from their father and created a masterpiece that Gary would be satisfied with. Gary loved stickers. Yes, the majority of his stickers were red, black and white. They represented the motorized toys that he so enjoyed, or the activities that brought him great joy. We all picked out pictures of Gary to enlarge that would give people a glimpse of who he was and what he valued. We had a slide show going also that showed who my man was. How he embraced this life God gave him. Saturday was so bittersweet. It was a celebration, a party, yet also a formal good bye. We did enjoy the day and kept laughter flowing into the night. It is unfortunate that it sometimes takes such a sad event to bring together loved ones who life keeps apart for months, even years, because it is so fast paced.
Sunday brought us to Mother's Day. I know Gary's mom had sadness in her soul with her son being called to heaven and unable to enjoy the day with us. Gary had been looking so forward to starting a new relationship with his parents. He was excited that they moved to Boise. Gary told me he liked the idea of getting to know his dad in a new way. We started the day with a brunch at their new home. After enjoying a delicious meal, we said our good byes to Gary's brothers' and their families. They were heading back to Wyoming, and one went back to Twin Falls. He has two brothers who live in Kuna and a sister who lives near Eagle. Cousin/brother Ron and his wife Gayle live near us. My kids and I then headed to Meridian to spend some time with my mom and dad, as well as my sister, one of her daughters, my older brother and his family from Vancouver, Wa. and my younger brother and his family from Minnesota. I was feeling a little under the weather, so we only stayed for a couple of hours. We left and I came home and took a nap. Rachel and Josh graciously invited me to dinner. Tim and Christie and their children(Minnesota) joined. We ordered Chinese. After dinner, we played a game of hide and seek outside. It was difficult to embrace the laughter and living, but it is what Gary would want and expect us to do.
Monday. Hard to believe and accept it has been a week, only a week, but seeming much longer. I had my normal interrupted sleep pattern Sunday night. Rachel called me at 8:20 a.m. She asked if she woke me? I told her no, I was awake, just laying in bed, struggling with what my new normal was going to be.. She told me she needed a sense of normalcy. We always talk as she drives to school. We said our good byes when she arrived at Christine Donnell, School of the Arts. I fell asleep. Gary came to me. I saw him looking in the kitchen window. He was smiling. I was calling to him to stay, don't go. I was trying to get to the slider to get outside and grab hold of him. I was unable to get to him, I awoke to Zach calling out to me that someone was at the door, knocking. It was my brother Jim and his wife Lynn, coming to tell me good bye. They were heading back to Vancouver. We visitied for a short time and then said our good byes. I am so numb, but must show life.
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