The days seemed to blend into each other. Daily chores get done. We put smiles on our faces, but it is hard to bring them on into our eyes. Our hearts ache. We know there are other families who have experienced a tragedy such as losing a parent, a spouse, but our world has been rocked, turned upside down.
We celebrated Ajay's 23rd birthday on the 7th of June. We went out for a celebration dinner. We sure did miss Gary. His absence was definately felt in each of our hearts. We enjoyed good food and love of family. We had a server who informed us we passed his test. After being seated, he came and took our drink orders. He introduced himself as John, however, his name tagged said Johnny. He brought our drinks and took our food order. He came to check on us while we waited for the food to arrive and I asked him if he preferred John over Johnny and why the difference between the name tag and his introduction. He informed us that he started studying people and their listening skills and this was a way to see how well people paid attention. Since I had called him John, he said I passed, I paid attention to what was being said. I, too, have found that people quite often hear something said, just part of it, and then start thinking about what they want to say in reply, and then don't finish listening to the whole conversation. I must admit, I have been guilty of this. I just have been trying to be more attentive to others instead of myself and my pity party. Back to the birthday dinner. A first. A first birthday celebration without Gary. I hate it. Ajay hated it. We all hated it.
Another first....My children celebrating Father's Day without their dad. It is so hard to get past this. Past years were spent boating with Gary. He loved the lake. He would surf and then when he was done, he would get in the boat, and many times would come over and sit on me, dripping cold dirty lake water on me, smiling and laughingly saying I was looking too hot, I needed cooling down. Can't we rewind time and go back?? I can't breathe sometimes because the grief overcomes me. How do I go on without him? I don't want this path. It can't be real. Please let us wake up from this horrible, terrible nightmare. Is this what I have left, kissing a black, stickered box, that holds my husband's ashes, good night?? I pray, I beg, please God, bring him back. Grant this miracle. I am so selfish. I know he is in a glorious place. Gary gave us so much love. What a fantastic man Gary was. Please, don't be gone. We have been visited just a couple of times in our dreams by Gary. The kids and I talk about our dreams. There have been times when they have been very similar on the same night. We always know, when Gary is talking with us, that he has gone to God's kingdom. We are so glad to be talking with him, that we don't always ask the things we were wanting to ask. I have so many things I need to talk with him about and I am unable. He had specific ideas/plans for things at the shop and I don't remember what he told me. I don't want to make these decisions by myself. I can't. I am so scared. I am so tired, defeated, knowing I am not supposed to give up, praying every second for God to grant me strength. My family and I do not laugh quite as much these days. When we do, it is not true laughter, but brief, often forced. We keep ourselves busy. We find things to pass the time, to keep our minds occupied from what is always lurking inside them, our loss.
I received a letter from St. Lukes today. They proceeded to give their condolences, and then asked for payment for some of Gary's bills. Oh, by the way, we're sorry your husband died, but we want paid now. And life goes on..........
The shop has been a roller coaster lately. I guess people are not sure about bringing their vehicles in. Gary was a Master Mechanic. This is a true statement. However, he was also a fantastic educator, teacher. He taught Justin and Ajay great skills. It makes me sad that there seems to be doubt. If we are unable to repair something, we have ethics and honesty. We will inform the customer upfront. We also have experienced mechanics who we are able to call upon for assistance if we do have difficulties. We are contemplating on hiring another mechanic, just once again, something that causes me distress and weariness.
I have been working with a couple of clients again. The market is insane and frustrating at times. Inventory is dwindling and it is becoming a time of multi offers on one property. Bring your best and final bid. We have had people ask us what they can do to help us through this time of sadness and trials. One of the best things for me is referrals. I would like to have more clients. I would appreciate the opportunity to interview to assist sellers or buyers. It is a good time to list a house for sale. Prices are not at the outrageous price point they were several years back, however, they are rising. Boise is a strong market.
We thank everyone for the prayers being prayed for us. They are giving us strength. I don't understand why we are having to once again walk a path that is so challenging, but I/We will put our faith and trust in God. Yes, there are many tears and we want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world, but we are not allowed that luxury. We will fight. We will live. We will have faith and love for our God. We will continue to praise God and give Him Glory for the life we do have. We are so blessed. One day, we will be with Gary again.
If you sit quietly and listen, you might just hear Gary talking with you and proclaiming the Glory of God's kingdom.
I sent out hugs and kisses to all.
Love and Blessings,
Sue
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