learning to live differently

Hello all. It has been quite awhile.  I must first make a correction to my last blog.  I don't know why, but I wrote the wrong date for Ajay's birthday. It is June 6th, not the 7th.  I actually read the last entry.
Father's Day was difficult.  The void left by Gary's passing was too large.  We struggled. Our passionate natures rared their ugly side.  We ended up having a family fight.  The kids were grieving so badly and wanting their support present for the dinner we had wanted to do, that we could not come to an agreement on what time.  We have a gift certificate to Goodwood's, Gary's favorite place, that we planned on using. Ajay wanted Jessica to be able to join. She went to work at 4:oo p.m.  Rachel wanted Josh to join. He did not get off work until after 5:00.  Zach has still not found his significant other, and well, we all know my story....  They wanted me to make the decision. I told them no, they would decide when we went, not me.  I am tired of being tugged in every direction and then being held accountible when one of their ways is not picked.  Unfortunately, discontentment won over and no time was chosen.  I ended up driving up to Grimes Creek by myself and cried for a few hours.  So sad. I know Gary was not pleased.  In my opinion, our three kids should have just gone by themselves to honor their father, but, oh well, I guess.  You can't back up time, or I would and my husband would still be here with me. 

I have a funny story to share.  First, a little background information.  Gary's family has a gathering for all who are able around the Fourth of July.  We have been going to the family farm the last few years, however, when we first started this tradition, we would meet at different locations.  One year, we were in the mountains above the family farm.  It was a nice area, with a creek running through.  There were some trees offering limited shade, as well as a scattering of cow pies. It was a rural back country setting.  If you are not aware, I am not real enthusiastic to tent camping.  You hear the expression that someone is loaded down, even the kitchen sink, well that is me.  I conceded to try tent camping this time. Yes, we were loaded down.  The top of the jeep was packed, the cargo area was stuffed, and we had a very small trailer pulled behind, with all my necessities. Quite comical actually looking back. I guess I was somewhat of a priss. Definately did not like getting dirty.  I did appreciate my amenities and running water.  I really was sacrificing my sanity.  We actually had two choices for the toilet area, but only one was set up.  It was a toilet seat on three legs over a hole, set in the bushes. Oh Lord, give me strength. OOOH gross!  Gary's brother Jay had gone to great work to build a toilet seat on a box frame, but it was not used. It was attractive, for a home made toilet.

We pitched our tent between some bushes.  We thought we had chosen a fantastic spot.  There was shade and we had some privacy. I was very unsure of myself back then and needed quite a lot of personal space to hide and protect myself, as well as my kids.  We had a three room tent. We blew up an air mattress for Gary and I to sleep on.  The first night we finally head to bed.  We are laying on our back and Gary, true to form, almost immediately starts falling asleep. Not so for myself. I struggle with sleep normally, even at home, and it is worse when away.  I am really working on relaxing so I can sleep when I feel something moving underneath us.  I whisper to Gary and ask him if he felt something.  Of course, he didn't.  He falls back to sleep.  I lay there, now on high alert and wait.  Sure enough, I feel something move again.  I nudge him and whisper, "Gary did you feel it this time?" No, he didn't.  I tell him it is not my imagination and to stay awake and lay still and wait.  Finally he does. We felt something again.  We turn over onto our stomachs and wait to see if it continues.  We were rewarded and Gary moved and the noise stopped.  He tried to grab whatever it was, but he kept on being too noisy.  Yes, I informed him he was doing it all wrong and to be more stealthy.  We are waiting.  Our hands are raised just aboved the tent floor, hanging off our air mattress.  I feel something and pounce with my hands and tell him, "I have it. This is what you do." In my excitement I start pushing down harder and harder on whatever little body I had a hold of, until it stopped moving.  We did not feel anything moving after that.  Gary turned over and went back to sleep.  I wished it had been that easy.  Not me.  I was in full on protect mode waiting for something to happen again.  Nothing did.  Finally, dawn broke and Gary woke up.  I kept hounding him to check under the tent to see what it was that I had squished.  After the kids woke up, Gary finally consented.  We went outside the tent and he pulled up the stakes to look.   We had pitched our tent over a whole slew of mouse holes and I had ended up killing/squishing a mouse. I did not plan on being the week end comic relief, however, that is what it became. Looking back, I must admit, I am a little proud of myself for my great hunting instincts.  Who knew? The family have not forgotten.  Ruth, Gary's mom, has told me how proud she is of me for continuing to camp out even after the mouse incident.  I must confess, I made Gary drive the five miles or so to his parents house daily so I could take a shower. I am a city slicker and proud of it.

Okay on to current events.  I have informed everyone that I am living with 3 cats.  They are my girls.  I retired on night around 1:30 a.m.  My two kitten, Minuet(mini) and Flo were with me ready to settle down.  Roly Poly was not.  I hear Poly getting into something in Rachel's room.  She was starting to annoy me.  The girls must have felt the same way because they jumped off my bed to go check it out.  Poly did not stop and the girls appeared to have joined in.  I finally crawled out of bed to check what was going on.  I thought perhaps they were getting into the food bag.  Side note: Poly has an eating disorder. She eats her feelings. Her shape reminds us of a football, thus the nickname Roly Poly. She will continue eating until she pukes. Great fun when I find the piles, NOT!!

No, they were not into the food bag this time. They were on the floor at the end of the daybed.  They were wild eyed and playing with something.  I chose to convince myself it was just a toy.  Awhile later, the two girls jumped back on my bed. No Poly.  I start hearing Poly making noise in the hall way near my pantry. My blood pressure is definately starting to rise at this point.  My pantry has no doors on it.  I have some 3 tubs on the floor that hold cookie sheets and miscellaneous treasures for cooking.  I once again crawl out of bed and walk out into the hallway. I flip on the hall light to check out what the heck she is doing.  When the light was turned on Poly climbs out of one of the tubs.  I once again refuse to allow myself to admit what it is I know she is doing.  I tell her to knock it off and go to sleep and I go back to bed.  Of course she doesn't obey me. I strive to clear my mind and relax so I can perhaps get a few hours of sleep. Low and behold, I hear Poly in my room, in the bottom of the closet.  I look at the clock and it is 3:30 a.m. at this point.  I ask her "are you kidding me".  Yes, I am very, very, very frustrated and ready to boot her backside outside at this point.  I can no longer deny what I knew she was doing.  She had been following a mouse. I hate mice!!  God Bless her, she chased it into my room. Oh glory. Thanks so much, you little jerk.  I get out of bed yet again and flip on the bedroom light.  She is squatting beside a travel bag, just happy as can be. I take a deep breath, grab Flo off the bed, put her on the floor beside the bed, and lift the bag.  Sure enough, there is this tiny mouse hiding by the bag, unscathed. Its fur is not even wet, which one would think it should be if a fat cat had been playing with it for a few hours. Poly just watches as it starts to run after me removing the bag, but Precious Flo does what I am desiring, she grabs the mouse with her mouth.  Now, how can I get rid of the mouse.  I don't want Flo to eat it. She might get worms.(We have had a cat that was a great mouser/hunter. We had a standing prescription for worm medicine. Worms he obtained from all the critters he brought home.) I don't want to have to take her to the vet because she starts having worms hang out her backside. Definately the negative side of having cats. I end up scaring Flo and she drops the mouse, which runs under my bed. Just great!!  I pull out the two shoe tubs that are under the bed, hoping that the mouse doesn't jump out at me. Whew, no mouse.  I grab Flo and throw her under the bed.  I shut the light off and climb back into bed.  My thought process is that with the light off and me not moving, the mouse might come out of hiding and Flo will be able to catch it again. I lay in bed, striving to lower my blood pressure.  I hear Flo moving around amongst  the things we have stored under the bed.  Awhile later I hear a growling noise.  I turn on the bedside lamp and crawl to the end of the bed.  Mini is between the bathroom and bedroom watching, Poly is near the bedroom door to the hallway and Flo is at the foot of the bed, mouse in mouth, growling, warning the other two cats off. I crawl out of bed. It is 4:00 a.m. at this point. I end up bothering Flo again and cause her to run out of the bedroom and down the hallway, with me chasing her, all the while holding the mouse in her mouth. Crap, she probably is already contaminated from the bacteria on the fur of the mouse.  She is going to get worms. This is what my mind kept having run through it, as well as how to get the mouse out of the house. Flo ended up in the dining area.  I slowly walked toward her and she took off back down the hallway, back into my bedroom, with me once again following her.  This time she didn't stop in the bedroom, but ended up running into the bathroom.  I followed, grabbing my hiking shoe.  I shut both of us into the bathroom.  Flo dropped the mouse.  It layed there, slobbered on, playing dead.  I took my shoe and "bam bam", hit the mouse twice.  I stunned it.  I stared at it for a moment.  The tail started moving.  What to do??  I grabbed some toilet paper, grabbed the mouse by the tail and threw it in the toilet.  I'm thinking to myself.  This is just a small little thing.  There have been bigger trophies that have been flushed and not clogged the toilet. Yes. I flushed it!! The mouse wasn't dead. It was going to be swimming around the septic tank.  I started thinking about low budget horror movies.  Starring Sue Rasmussen.  She was sitting on the toilet when a freak of nature mouse came up from the septic and ate her.. Yes, my mind can be quite bazaar at times.

I told Rachel about the mouse adventure.  She said to me, "Mommy, daddy was laughing at you. He loved the camping mouse story and now he was watching this other mouse adventure laughing." Maybe he was. I sure miss him.

The Fourth of July had come yet again. Happy birthday to my brother Tim.  Gary's family is gathering again at the family farm.  The kids drove up the 29th of June.  They pitched their tents in a circle, along with Jake, creating a courtyard effect.  Ron placed his pickup camper down near the haystack, not his normal spot.  His sisters and daughter set up camp near the old homestead.  Marj and Scott had their pickup tent near the kids, Mick and Glenna were on the other side of the house.  Del and Nancy, along with Kena and her baby Bently were in the fifth. Jay slept inside in one of the bedrooms as did Ron's mother. Ruth and Dee stayed in their room.  It was a sad time.  Gary's passing left a large void yet again.  Our camper was missing.  It was more of an anchor for everyone than we realized. I had not planned on going, however, I woke up Saturday and kept feeling like I was supposed to go.  I had a home inspection scheduled for a client.  I opened up the house and waited for the inspection to be completed.  I ended up leaving town around 6:00.  I arrived at the farm around 9:20 p.m.  I made great time.  Upon my arrival I found out that Ruth had been taken into Burley to the hospital. Her leg was inflamed with Staff infection.  She so wanted to be there that week end that she waited far too long to get into the doctor that she was admitted into ICU.  Not only was Gary missing, but so was MOM.  I ended up sleeping in Ron and Gayle's camper.  I helped Marj make lunch on Sunday and was able to hit the road again around 2:30 p.m.  We, the kids and I, stopped in Burley and told Ruth hello and hit the road. I can't say that I will go back, but perhaps. The kids took pictures of the "Grove", a spot that was special to them and Gary.  Upon looking at the pictures on the computer, there are blurry spots, some almost seemingly body shaped.  Rachel thought perhaps her screen was dirty. Even after cleaning, the pictures still showed a "shape".  The kids went to the sandstone.  Gary always took Rachel to the sandstone every summer, regardless of how hot it was.  They carved new initials and maintained old carvings.  This year my sweet babies went together.  My heart aches with their pain.  The pictures show their emotions, even with the sun glasses on.  The pictures from the sandstone showed "orbs" when looking at them on the computer.  I know Gary was there with the kids. He was carving away at his intitials and at mine.  The kids told me someone had been maintaining Gary's intitials and that they had also engraved a cross below Gary's.  What a wonderful family we have been blessed with.

My neice Melanie, has been wanting Gary to visit her in her dreams.  She had not had this happen until this week.  She texted me the other morning and said to me, "guess who visited me last night?" I was getting ready to call her when she called me.  She told me to guess on the phone and I told her I did not know.  She then informed me "Uncle".  I said, "really.  Tell me about it"  She said it was weird.  She was driving a car into the shop.  The kids were young, but they should not be.  She said she opened the door and got out of the car.  Gary opened his arms, smiling, and she ran into them and they hugged.  She said she told him she loved him.  She knew he was gone, but he was there, hugging her.  She wanted to ask him so much, but she could only hug him.  Gary told her that I was in my office.  She told me she wanted to see me, but did not want to leave Gary.  She hugged him more, then he stopped hugging and she woke up.  I do believe this was Gary letting her know he loved her and he was okay.  A day later her doctor sent her for an MRI.  She started having anxiety that Gary was there to take her into our Fathers Heavenly Kingdom. I think he was just giving her strength and wanting her to have trust and faith in God.  She informed me that so far, things seem to be okay with the MRI.  Praise God.

Ruth, Gary's mom, was released from the Burley hospital and admitted to Elks Rehab here in Boise.  We have found out that she has been released.  I must confess, I have not been to visit her.  My life has become rather crazy and I have not managed my time as well as perhaps I should.  I have been working GT as well as teaching one swim lesson class and quite busy with real estate, which I love.  Swim lessons have wiped me out, even an hour.  How did I ever manage the 11 hours a day I used to do?  The little kids really fill my soul with joy.  They are so innocent and offer so much love. They are blessings from God.

I would like to point out to one and all. I do understand that I have differnt viewpoints about life and death.  Yes, I am grieving. No I am not losing my mind.  Sometimes I wish that would be true.  I embrace that there are things that take us out of comfort zones and does not fall into what "normal" society dictates we should believe. I do believe that there are psychics that take advantage of individuals. I also believe there are people out there who truly have gifts from God that allow them the ability to see beyond what is "normal".  I am not bonkers, at least, no more than what is normal, what I have always been like, even as a child.  I believe there is more than what we are experiencing on this earth.  I believe in God and His power and the blessings He rains on us.  When it is my time, I encourage my children to rejoice that I am in a better place and that even though my physical body is no longer with them, my spirit, through God's Glory, will continue to warm them and guide them, as does Gary.  I am saddened that my soul mate has left this earth, but I also rejoice that he is with God and happy.

Enjoy everyday.  They truly are gifts from God.

Love and Blessings,

Sue