Thanksgiving Blessings

What a beautiful fall we have experienced this year.  The colors of the chaging leaves are so vibrant and breathtaking.  The beauty sometimes takes my breath away.  God has so blessed us!

We have had some challenges and continue to struggle with our loss of Gary. I have been sliding on the slippery slope of despair.  I must sadly admit I have spent more time hiding from life and boohooing than striving to live and rejoice in the gift that God has graciously blessed me with.  Oh, I have been fairly good at pretending to be "okay", when really I'm not.  All I want to do is hide and sleep.  Depression, yes. I have struggled to keep positive energy flowing.  I must admit it is shaming me to admit this.  I have had a few individuals tell me to go to counseling.  There are several reasons why I don't want to do this.  One, financially it can be exhaustive.  Once again, medical personal get to blow their own praises while charging astronimical amounts while informing someone why they feel like they feel.  I know why I feel like I feel.  I lost my soul mate. The man who I spent close to 24 hours with 7 days a week.  We played together, we worked together, we lived together.  I lost part of myself.  I have to re-learn how to live alone, while not being alone, still surrounded by loving family and friends. A counselor who will say anger is part of healing. Yes, in part, but anger at what?  Gary? God? Doctors? Myself??  I'm not angry at Gary for leaving. Angry perhaps at not being allowed to go with.  Definately not angry with or at God.  How can I be?  He knows best.  Gary is where the greatest love is. I have not yet completed my tasks assigned by God.  One day I will be called home.  If  there is anger, I will have to admit it is against the medical profession.  Over 4 years of seeking medical help for Gary's lung pain and the couple of times he passed out on me and to be told it was only a lung infection and low blood pressure.  OOps, I guess they missed the mark. Their mistake, NEXT patient. Yes, they are only human.  Do the medical personel remember to chant this to themselves several times a day? I am only human, don't allow the blessings of God leading my healing hands to put myself up on a pedestal.

I am attempting to pick myself up and wipe off the pity party residue and once again strive to embrace positive energy. God is wanting me to do this.  I must remember there are some who are in a darker place than I and are a better example of God's love.  Please forgive my selfishness these last few months.

Zach and I flew to Spokane in October to attend the funeral of my Uncle Bill McGough.  He was my mother's brother.  He died on his 85th birthday. His brother, Mart, another of my mother's brothers, died last October.  Actually they both died in the month of September, a year apart, but their services were in the month of October.  Anyway, Zach and I helped drive my mom and dad back to the Boise Valley.  My sister also was able to attend the funeral.  She flew in the night before and drove back with us.  My controlling nature took over and I insisted on driving my parents back.  I drove part of the way and Zach, the rest.  I tried to take a turn in the back seat, however, car sickness came into play.  This is something I never struggled with until after I had been treated with chemotherapy. Another negative of chemo. Hopefully as time goes by it will lesson.  Praise to God, the journey was successful.  Zach and I did enjoy a quiet giggle together when we viewed Mom, Dad and Cate in the back seat with their heads falling forward and their mouths slightly open lulled to sleep by the motion of  the car.  It was choreographed to perfection.

October brought Halloween.  My children and I do enjoy this holiday. Rachel and Josh opened their warm and welcoming home to friends and family for the annual Halloween party.  It was fantastic feeling the good cheer and hearing the laughter of friends and family having a wonderful time.  Once again, we are so blessed.  I won for the scariest costume.  I dressed as a "Black Widow". (You can perhaps catch a sense of my warped sense of humor). I wore a long black wig, long black gown with a silver spiderweb cape that had a large spider attached.  I had spiders glued to my face.  I had webbed top eyelashes on my eyes and stickers under my eyes that looked like dripping blood. I had monster teeth that I wore for a short time, but they made me drool and that was not fun. I also wore black gloves that had elongated stuffed pointy fingers.  I ditched those after awhile as well. I was definately embracing the darkness of the emotions I have been  feeling.

Earlier in the day on Halloween, I was given the privelege and pleasure of volunteering in Rachel's classroom.  I made shaped sugar cookies and brought them and frosting to school for one of the centers for the day.  I just love children.  They are such a breath of fresh air and truly show God's love.  They are so healing.  This was the first time I have been able to make it into Rachel's classroom.  I have missed helping with centers.  She is a fabulous teacher.  I am pleased that the propositions were not passed, or should I say, repealed.  She works so hard for a pittance paycheck.  It is pathetic and saddening that our teachers are so unappreciated and have to jump through so many hoops.  I challenge everyone to go outside your comfort level and spend several hours a month for at least 6 months volunteering in a classroom and educate yourself just what teachers do for our youth.  Quit letting the lobbyists and polictical figures sell their false truths and dictate what we the people should do.  Actually do your own homework by volunteering and see what is required of teachers. Or I guess people can continue being sheep and following blindly the cut and pasted speeches, the half truths and continue to harm our future, The Children.

The beginning of November brought the full retail campaigns for Christmas.  My womens' group participated in a holiday bazaar.  It, unfortunately was not as profitable as we had been hoping.  I do know some places made "bank".  I believe the location we were at was not ideal.  The sad thing for my organization is that is pretty much the main fundraising event we participate in.  Perhaps next year, if we decide to once again join a bazaar, we will be fortunate enough to be at a better location with much advertising.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, or actually a few hours.  Another milestone for our family.  Ajay and Jessica are in Farmington, at least I think that is maybe what it is called.  It is a small town in Washington about 30 miles from Moscow. Once again, the misery I have allowed myself to sink into has left me with a short attention span. Rachel and Josh are once again opening their home for us to enjoy the blessings of the feast we will all be contributing to.  Zach will be there with his girlfriend, Jaime.  Mom and Dad, my sister will also join us.  Josh's mom Jen and his dad, Dan along with his brother Zach will be there as well. I am bringing the Turkey and gravy.  I am going to try a new way of cooking the turkey.  Good thing Zach is contributing a ham in case I mess up.  I have been mentally counting backwards from the eating hour to figure what time I need to get up and start the first step for preparing the turkey.

Rachel and Josh participate in the Black Friday shopping frenzy.  They have asked me to join them for years.  I might just do it this year, but I still waver.  I am saddened by the commercialism of Christmas.  There seems to be such pressure to buy, buy, buy.  This is the one time that I acutally do dream of a white Christmas.  Mainly to stop people from shopping and  being able to spend beyond their means to purchase gifts that in some cases are still not "right".  I have sadly been caught up in the mad overspending frenzy at one point and do not want to do that again.

I wish everyone a warm and loved filled Thanksgiving.  I encourage everyone as the chaos starts to consume, take a quiet step back.  Open your eyes and look around at all your family and friends gathered where you are. Remove yourself mentally from the chaos and rejoice at the blessings before you. Treasure all the different conversations and life bouncing around and be "thankful".  Thank you one and all for being in my life.  God has Blessed me with love and life.  I told a customer, who came into the shop the other day who had not known Gary had passed, that dieing was easy and living was what was hard.  I am renewing my vow to once again strive to "live" life and not just sluff through it.  Thank you for the gift of your strength and love and kindness.  I will pass it on to all those I meet. 

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Love and Blessings,

Sue