The days seemed to blend into each other. Daily chores get done. We put smiles on our faces, but it is hard to bring them on into our eyes. Our hearts ache. We know there are other families who have experienced a tragedy such as losing a parent, a spouse, but our world has been rocked, turned upside down.
We celebrated Ajay's 23rd birthday on the 7th of June. We went out for a celebration dinner. We sure did miss Gary. His absence was definately felt in each of our hearts. We enjoyed good food and love of family. We had a server who informed us we passed his test. After being seated, he came and took our drink orders. He introduced himself as John, however, his name tagged said Johnny. He brought our drinks and took our food order. He came to check on us while we waited for the food to arrive and I asked him if he preferred John over Johnny and why the difference between the name tag and his introduction. He informed us that he started studying people and their listening skills and this was a way to see how well people paid attention. Since I had called him John, he said I passed, I paid attention to what was being said. I, too, have found that people quite often hear something said, just part of it, and then start thinking about what they want to say in reply, and then don't finish listening to the whole conversation. I must admit, I have been guilty of this. I just have been trying to be more attentive to others instead of myself and my pity party. Back to the birthday dinner. A first. A first birthday celebration without Gary. I hate it. Ajay hated it. We all hated it.
Another first....My children celebrating Father's Day without their dad. It is so hard to get past this. Past years were spent boating with Gary. He loved the lake. He would surf and then when he was done, he would get in the boat, and many times would come over and sit on me, dripping cold dirty lake water on me, smiling and laughingly saying I was looking too hot, I needed cooling down. Can't we rewind time and go back?? I can't breathe sometimes because the grief overcomes me. How do I go on without him? I don't want this path. It can't be real. Please let us wake up from this horrible, terrible nightmare. Is this what I have left, kissing a black, stickered box, that holds my husband's ashes, good night?? I pray, I beg, please God, bring him back. Grant this miracle. I am so selfish. I know he is in a glorious place. Gary gave us so much love. What a fantastic man Gary was. Please, don't be gone. We have been visited just a couple of times in our dreams by Gary. The kids and I talk about our dreams. There have been times when they have been very similar on the same night. We always know, when Gary is talking with us, that he has gone to God's kingdom. We are so glad to be talking with him, that we don't always ask the things we were wanting to ask. I have so many things I need to talk with him about and I am unable. He had specific ideas/plans for things at the shop and I don't remember what he told me. I don't want to make these decisions by myself. I can't. I am so scared. I am so tired, defeated, knowing I am not supposed to give up, praying every second for God to grant me strength. My family and I do not laugh quite as much these days. When we do, it is not true laughter, but brief, often forced. We keep ourselves busy. We find things to pass the time, to keep our minds occupied from what is always lurking inside them, our loss.
I received a letter from St. Lukes today. They proceeded to give their condolences, and then asked for payment for some of Gary's bills. Oh, by the way, we're sorry your husband died, but we want paid now. And life goes on..........
The shop has been a roller coaster lately. I guess people are not sure about bringing their vehicles in. Gary was a Master Mechanic. This is a true statement. However, he was also a fantastic educator, teacher. He taught Justin and Ajay great skills. It makes me sad that there seems to be doubt. If we are unable to repair something, we have ethics and honesty. We will inform the customer upfront. We also have experienced mechanics who we are able to call upon for assistance if we do have difficulties. We are contemplating on hiring another mechanic, just once again, something that causes me distress and weariness.
I have been working with a couple of clients again. The market is insane and frustrating at times. Inventory is dwindling and it is becoming a time of multi offers on one property. Bring your best and final bid. We have had people ask us what they can do to help us through this time of sadness and trials. One of the best things for me is referrals. I would like to have more clients. I would appreciate the opportunity to interview to assist sellers or buyers. It is a good time to list a house for sale. Prices are not at the outrageous price point they were several years back, however, they are rising. Boise is a strong market.
We thank everyone for the prayers being prayed for us. They are giving us strength. I don't understand why we are having to once again walk a path that is so challenging, but I/We will put our faith and trust in God. Yes, there are many tears and we want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world, but we are not allowed that luxury. We will fight. We will live. We will have faith and love for our God. We will continue to praise God and give Him Glory for the life we do have. We are so blessed. One day, we will be with Gary again.
If you sit quietly and listen, you might just hear Gary talking with you and proclaiming the Glory of God's kingdom.
I sent out hugs and kisses to all.
Love and Blessings,
Sue
Gary and Sue
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
The Psychic!
I did not accomplish much that first Monday. I spent time with Tim and his family. We spent time outside, hanging out by the pool. They flew home on Tuesday.
Back to Monday--Josh received a call from the psychic, Jackie, who we had contacted before Gary's death. I feel I must give some background and insight on some of my beliefs and interests. Yes, I believe in ghosts, spirits. Yes, I believe there are negative/evil spirits or ghosts, but there are more good and loving ones than bad. I know my house is inhabited with spirits. My house, not only is a revolving door for spirits, but also has two spirits who exist here daily. There was a time, until just recently when there were three in residence. I banished the adult male. He had negative energy. I would wake to him standing by my bed, evil surrounding him. I would scream and scoot over to cower in fear next to Gary. He had learned over the years to just pat my leg and soothingly tell me that the spirit was gone. Gary told me he never saw or felt the man. I talk to the spirits. I tell them to go into the light, to go to God. I tell them they can only stay awhile and only if they mean no harm. I have an adult female here as well. She would hold Rachel, cuddle with her, when Rachel would be upset when Gary and I had our fights. I have a child spirit. The child would play with Rachel. Zach would not talk much about them, although I knew he saw them. Ajay would scream and cry and ask me to tell them to leave his room. He did not want them here. I would tell them to leave the room. Ajay's room was his haven. Forbidden to them.
I would be the last one to leave the house in the mornings. I would shut the bedroom doors. I would push on them to make sure they were securely shut and fastened. I would be the first one home. Rachel's door would be open most days. A little eerie at times. Ajay told me recently that if he came home first, he would open all the bedroom doors. He would then go watch tv. He said that quite frequently Rachel's door would slam shut. No, the window was not open.
A few months back, I awoke to a male standing next to me. I screamed, but instead of cowering in fear, I jumped out of bed and chased it into the closet. Gary, calmly informed me to come back into bed. It was gone. I have not been bothered since.
Okay, Jackie, the Psychic. When she called Josh a week after Gary's death, Josh informed her of Gary's passing. Immediately, she told Josh that Gary was coming through. He was there with her, talking to her. Jackie said she could come to my house. You see, she had given Rachel and I a reading sometime in late 2010 or early 2011. She wanted to come see my spirits. She told Rachel and I that there were 3 ghosts in the house and many who came and went. There was no way she could know this. Jackie also informed us of other things that were private. Josh called me to confirm the date and time. While he was talking with me, Jackie called him again. I told Josh to answer her call, confirm the date and time and call me back. When Josh called me back, he was very emotional. He informed me some of the things Gary was saying. Gary told Jackie to tell us that when Lucky the dog barks, he will be with us. Lucky, since Gary has joined God, would be laying quietly and then would bark, or wag his tail and look at something in the room. Jackie said she could see the color purple. I like purple. Gary was red and black. Gary told Jackie to tell us he is happy. He knows that Rachel needs him, but she should refer to a card, or his writing. We haven't found this as of yet. He talked about a clock, or a watch, to check the time. We are not sure. My last gift was a watch. The clock also fell off of the wall Monday morning before I left for work on the day Gary died. I thought he had fallen. Gary told Jackie he wished he could had told his dad Dee that he loved him and could had hugged him before he left. Gary said he knew he would go first, not me. Gary told Jackie that his family would be surprised he was talking with her. He said his family did not believe that he believed in this ability. Gary would always roll his eyes at us and give us his sweet impish smile whenever we talked about psychics.
Josh came over to my house at around 6:00 that night. He called Jackie and put her on speaker. Rachel, Josh, Zach, I think, and myself were in the living room. Jackie said that Gary said to tell me that I am the fighter and to keep on fighting. He said, "thanks for letting me go, it was peaceful". He told us it was okay someone wasn't there. We are wondering if perhaps he was referencing Ajay not going to the mortuary and seeing his body, to say another good bye. Ajay has never been one to want to view a corpse. Jackie said that Gary talked about a flower he gave me and how we laughed. My memory has lapses in it, which, I believe is due to my chemo. I do remember something about a flower, couldn't tell you what it looked like, but I do remember the laughter. We laughed so hard we cried and I just about peed my pants.
Gary said that there was a woman at the funeral and what she talked about was beautiful. Not sure who he was referencing. He said he was watching from the window ledge and laughing with us all.
He told me not to move the picture. I was not sure what picture he was indicating. (I will come back to the picture shortly.) Gary said he was sorry that he couldn't go on the journey with me. We were supposed to go back to Malaysia and make the journey of the Tiger. We were to go to Sifu's Temple in the jungle. He told Jackie to thank us for the caress on his cheek, or forehead. She said she saw Gary tough is forehead, but felt the touch on the cheek. When Gary died in my car, I was caressing his cheek. We also caressed his cheek and forehead while he lay on the cold steel table in the Mortuary, as well as the night he died.. Gary told Jackie he had no idea how easy it would be to communicate with her. He said these words, Isabelle morning flight. We do not have a clue what these mean. He mentioned the word roast. Jackie asked if Gary liked roast. I told her no, we jokingly called it Groast beef dinner when I made it. Perhaps Gary was referring to the celebration. It was like it was a "Roast" of him. Gary mentioned 3 names to Jackie. She only told us two, which were: Laurie, Mickie. Jackie informed us that a brother figure met him and led him. We told Jackie he has not had a brother die. Gary talked about an upstairs light being broke-it flickered. Not sure on this one, however, a week after Gary's joining God in His Kingdom, our main office at the shop had electrical problems. The power would not stay on. We ended up having an electrician in to discover the problem. It was a broken sign hanging outside over the door. HMMMMM!!!!!! Jackie said Josh was her instant connection to Gary. Jackie said she finally had to tell Gary enough. She was worn out. He had talked with her for over 2 hours. She told Gary he could say one more thing. He said, "Pickle Juice". This could be a couple of things. A jar of pickles tipped over and spilled in the fridge that week. It coud also be a little joke. We had watched an episode of That 70's show where Fez had said, " you know what a funny word is? Pickle Weasel." I thought this was quite comical. However, with my memory issues, I turned it into Pickle Juice. I would walk around and tell Gary this. I even used it as a password on something. Crazy, yes?
Thursday was the appointment day that Jackie came to my house. It was so hard to get through the week. I wanted the connection to Gary through Jackie every day. Rachel wrote down what was said. We also had a tape recorder going. Unfortunately, the recording is not great quality. There is a buzzing through the whole reading. Rachel also has the notes, so I will most likely not be able to remember everything that was said. I want to share, but it could be in several different posts.
I have this trunk that holds blankets. It sits against the wall in between Gary's chair and the tv. I moved the trunk over by the coat closet and brought in a padded lawn chair for Jackie to sit in. She was situated so we could all view her. Okay, back to the trunk. Jackie told us that there was a trunk. I said, "yes. It normally is where she is sitting, but had been moved in order to put her where she was." She said that Ajay was supposed to have it. I said, "no, there was no ties with the trunk. I bought it just for storage." Jackie then said that there was something in it for Ajay, something that he needed. When she left and we moved the trunk back to its place, Ajay opened it and looked inside. He found a repair manual that he needed for a car that has been at the shop. They were wanting to put it on the schedule and fix it so we could sell it.
Jackie asked at one point who the skeptic was? We all laughed and looked at Ajay and informed her it was Ajay. She told Ajay that he had the same ability as she did, he just needed to relax and nurture it. Jackie said Ajay could talk with his dad. I believe Ajay would get so scared as a child with all the spirits, that he disallowed himself to continue to see and hear. Ajay told me what the male figure looked like. What he saw. It was so surprising to me because, what he described is what I envisioned. I did not even know I had a mental picture of the male. Zach also informed me that he saw the same guy walking up and down the hallway when he was a child. Jackie told us we had a female. She was attached to the house, the land. Perhaps research might disclose who she was and why she was here. The female is kind and she comforts me when Gary is unable to do so. I was laying in a bed a week or so ago, crying and asking Gary to come back. My hair was moving, as if someone was soothing my head. NO, there was not a breeze blowing, or a fan.
Jackie at one point asked if she could say anything she was told or heard. I informed her that we had no secrets, say anything Gary is telling her. She looked at me and said, "Gary says not to kill yourself". I told her I wasn't planning on it. If I did, I would not be able to join him. That is what I want, to be with Gary again. She said that Gary told her it wasn't my time yet, that I had a mission. I am slightly annoyed. I would like to know the mission. I guess I had a few people worried that I was going to "off" myself due to my distress. My life is a gift from God and I will not take this blessing lightly. I must say, tho, I am not afraid of death any longer. I know Gary will be waiting when I am called into God's Kingdom. I guess the hard part is continuing to live.
Jackie told Rachel Gary says the baby is coming. He told her she did not always have to be strong and in control. My daughter is a very organized young woman. She does not like disorder.
We asked about Jody. She was Gary's neice who was killed in a car crash. Jackie told us she had such a sense of sadness. Gary would not say anything about her. I looked at Josh and he seemed to be holding back tears. Later, after Jackie left, Josh said he had such an overwhelming sense of sadness when we asked about Jody. He said he almost passed out. I have to add as a side note, that Josh has just recently become less of a skeptic himself. He took Rachel to see Jackie in August as a birthday gift. Instead of Rachel being read, Josh had his own family members who have pass, come to say things to him. It definately came him another way of looking at things.
Gary told us through Jackie that he would be using animals to come to us at times. He said if a bird hung around or came really close to us, it was him. Crazily enough,we have had some recent experiences with birds coming quite close to us and doing odd things.
I told you I would come back to the picture. One of Gary's aunts brought a couple of pictures on Saturday, the day of celebrating his life. She let me choose one. I chose a picture of Jesus, standing sideways, staring out at the land. He was holding a staff and surrounded by sheep. When Jackie was talking with us, she said, "is there a picture here on my left?" She turned her head and saw the picture. She told us Gary says not to move this picture. I guess he does not want us to lose our love for Jesus. I have no anger at or for Jesus or God or the Holy Spirit. I know Gary is the lucky one. He has been blessed the ultimate blessing. Our Fathers Kingdom.
Jackie told Zach that he had an elder gentleman with him. He was kind of a jokester. Zach found this out a while ago. Maybe I already told the story, but it is worth mentioning again. Zach, Rachel and Josh were sitting watching TV at their home. They heard a knocking on the door into the house from the garage. Zach thought perhaps they neglected to shut the overhead down and their friend Jeremy was knocking on that door. He has done this before. When Zach opened the door, no one was there and the overhead was closed. Weird. I am not quite sure of the timeline, but I believe it was only a few days, if not the same day, when Zach awoke around 4:00 a.m. to someone knocking on his bedroom door. When he opened the door, no one was there. He was a little spooked. I told him speak aloud that this was unacceptable and that his bedroom was his personal space. Zach has not had any incidences since.
There are more Jackie sayings, but I am becoming mentally foggy. It is late, or early, however you want to look at it. I stayed up reading until 2:30 a.m. last night. Maybe I can sleep for 3 hours in a row tonight.
Gary used to snap my panties. He thought it was funny. He wasn't being mean, just teasing. Sometimes he would get quite the snap. He also used to tug the back of my hair. His way of showing he loved me. I was boohooing one night as I lay in bed. I was telling Gary how I missed him, how I missed the flipping and the tugging. I was also having quite the hot flash. I had the covers flung off. My little black Minuet jumped up on my bed, walked across me, grabbed my panties at the waistline and flipped me. She then jumped off my bed. I guess Gary was telling me he was with me. Another day, I was sitting in Gary's room, where we keep the ski machine, boohooing and holding a picture of the two of us by Skeen Lake. I was talking and praying and missing him terribly. All the other pictures that were displayed at the celebration were laying on the massage table that holds the bio-mat. Little Minny jumped up on the table, walked across the pictures, stopped at the one that was displayed behind his ashes at the celebration. It is the one of Gary skiing and jumping. Minny looked at me, put her head down, licked Gary's figure, looked at me, did it again, and then jumped down and left the room.
Jackie told the kids that Gary was with me more than them at this time. He said I needed him more. He told Jackie to tell me he always kisses me goodnight. He said that when I sit outside and there is no wind or breeze, but I feel a breeze on my cheek, it will be him, caressing my cheek. Jackie did not know that I sit outside quite frequently praying and talking with God. Gary knew this was my habit, my meditation, rejuvenation time.
I watched a slightly scary movie last night. I had all the animals in with me. The doors were shut and locked. The animal at one point, went from sleeping to looking up at certain places in the room. I could sense something, but not sure what spirit was visiting us. After the movie, I was talking with Rachel on the phone, and a breeze caressed my cheek and my hand. True story. During the movie, at one point, my hair was being caressed.
It is time to sign off. The house is making noise. The cat's are getting wide eyed. They want my attention. I think they are ready for bed and cuddle time.
Remember life is a blessing. I encourage all to work through the problems that sometimes come into our lives. Release the anger, hold only onto your love for each other. Change happens in a blink of an eye. Material things don't last, don't keep us content for long. Embrace God and each other. God will see you through all your challenges. He often works in ways we do not understand and does not always do what we think should be done. Remember to believe in Him. Four simple words can get you through.....I Trust You, Jesus.
Love and Blessings,
Sue
Back to Monday--Josh received a call from the psychic, Jackie, who we had contacted before Gary's death. I feel I must give some background and insight on some of my beliefs and interests. Yes, I believe in ghosts, spirits. Yes, I believe there are negative/evil spirits or ghosts, but there are more good and loving ones than bad. I know my house is inhabited with spirits. My house, not only is a revolving door for spirits, but also has two spirits who exist here daily. There was a time, until just recently when there were three in residence. I banished the adult male. He had negative energy. I would wake to him standing by my bed, evil surrounding him. I would scream and scoot over to cower in fear next to Gary. He had learned over the years to just pat my leg and soothingly tell me that the spirit was gone. Gary told me he never saw or felt the man. I talk to the spirits. I tell them to go into the light, to go to God. I tell them they can only stay awhile and only if they mean no harm. I have an adult female here as well. She would hold Rachel, cuddle with her, when Rachel would be upset when Gary and I had our fights. I have a child spirit. The child would play with Rachel. Zach would not talk much about them, although I knew he saw them. Ajay would scream and cry and ask me to tell them to leave his room. He did not want them here. I would tell them to leave the room. Ajay's room was his haven. Forbidden to them.
I would be the last one to leave the house in the mornings. I would shut the bedroom doors. I would push on them to make sure they were securely shut and fastened. I would be the first one home. Rachel's door would be open most days. A little eerie at times. Ajay told me recently that if he came home first, he would open all the bedroom doors. He would then go watch tv. He said that quite frequently Rachel's door would slam shut. No, the window was not open.
A few months back, I awoke to a male standing next to me. I screamed, but instead of cowering in fear, I jumped out of bed and chased it into the closet. Gary, calmly informed me to come back into bed. It was gone. I have not been bothered since.
Okay, Jackie, the Psychic. When she called Josh a week after Gary's death, Josh informed her of Gary's passing. Immediately, she told Josh that Gary was coming through. He was there with her, talking to her. Jackie said she could come to my house. You see, she had given Rachel and I a reading sometime in late 2010 or early 2011. She wanted to come see my spirits. She told Rachel and I that there were 3 ghosts in the house and many who came and went. There was no way she could know this. Jackie also informed us of other things that were private. Josh called me to confirm the date and time. While he was talking with me, Jackie called him again. I told Josh to answer her call, confirm the date and time and call me back. When Josh called me back, he was very emotional. He informed me some of the things Gary was saying. Gary told Jackie to tell us that when Lucky the dog barks, he will be with us. Lucky, since Gary has joined God, would be laying quietly and then would bark, or wag his tail and look at something in the room. Jackie said she could see the color purple. I like purple. Gary was red and black. Gary told Jackie to tell us he is happy. He knows that Rachel needs him, but she should refer to a card, or his writing. We haven't found this as of yet. He talked about a clock, or a watch, to check the time. We are not sure. My last gift was a watch. The clock also fell off of the wall Monday morning before I left for work on the day Gary died. I thought he had fallen. Gary told Jackie he wished he could had told his dad Dee that he loved him and could had hugged him before he left. Gary said he knew he would go first, not me. Gary told Jackie that his family would be surprised he was talking with her. He said his family did not believe that he believed in this ability. Gary would always roll his eyes at us and give us his sweet impish smile whenever we talked about psychics.
Josh came over to my house at around 6:00 that night. He called Jackie and put her on speaker. Rachel, Josh, Zach, I think, and myself were in the living room. Jackie said that Gary said to tell me that I am the fighter and to keep on fighting. He said, "thanks for letting me go, it was peaceful". He told us it was okay someone wasn't there. We are wondering if perhaps he was referencing Ajay not going to the mortuary and seeing his body, to say another good bye. Ajay has never been one to want to view a corpse. Jackie said that Gary talked about a flower he gave me and how we laughed. My memory has lapses in it, which, I believe is due to my chemo. I do remember something about a flower, couldn't tell you what it looked like, but I do remember the laughter. We laughed so hard we cried and I just about peed my pants.
Gary said that there was a woman at the funeral and what she talked about was beautiful. Not sure who he was referencing. He said he was watching from the window ledge and laughing with us all.
He told me not to move the picture. I was not sure what picture he was indicating. (I will come back to the picture shortly.) Gary said he was sorry that he couldn't go on the journey with me. We were supposed to go back to Malaysia and make the journey of the Tiger. We were to go to Sifu's Temple in the jungle. He told Jackie to thank us for the caress on his cheek, or forehead. She said she saw Gary tough is forehead, but felt the touch on the cheek. When Gary died in my car, I was caressing his cheek. We also caressed his cheek and forehead while he lay on the cold steel table in the Mortuary, as well as the night he died.. Gary told Jackie he had no idea how easy it would be to communicate with her. He said these words, Isabelle morning flight. We do not have a clue what these mean. He mentioned the word roast. Jackie asked if Gary liked roast. I told her no, we jokingly called it Groast beef dinner when I made it. Perhaps Gary was referring to the celebration. It was like it was a "Roast" of him. Gary mentioned 3 names to Jackie. She only told us two, which were: Laurie, Mickie. Jackie informed us that a brother figure met him and led him. We told Jackie he has not had a brother die. Gary talked about an upstairs light being broke-it flickered. Not sure on this one, however, a week after Gary's joining God in His Kingdom, our main office at the shop had electrical problems. The power would not stay on. We ended up having an electrician in to discover the problem. It was a broken sign hanging outside over the door. HMMMMM!!!!!! Jackie said Josh was her instant connection to Gary. Jackie said she finally had to tell Gary enough. She was worn out. He had talked with her for over 2 hours. She told Gary he could say one more thing. He said, "Pickle Juice". This could be a couple of things. A jar of pickles tipped over and spilled in the fridge that week. It coud also be a little joke. We had watched an episode of That 70's show where Fez had said, " you know what a funny word is? Pickle Weasel." I thought this was quite comical. However, with my memory issues, I turned it into Pickle Juice. I would walk around and tell Gary this. I even used it as a password on something. Crazy, yes?
Thursday was the appointment day that Jackie came to my house. It was so hard to get through the week. I wanted the connection to Gary through Jackie every day. Rachel wrote down what was said. We also had a tape recorder going. Unfortunately, the recording is not great quality. There is a buzzing through the whole reading. Rachel also has the notes, so I will most likely not be able to remember everything that was said. I want to share, but it could be in several different posts.
I have this trunk that holds blankets. It sits against the wall in between Gary's chair and the tv. I moved the trunk over by the coat closet and brought in a padded lawn chair for Jackie to sit in. She was situated so we could all view her. Okay, back to the trunk. Jackie told us that there was a trunk. I said, "yes. It normally is where she is sitting, but had been moved in order to put her where she was." She said that Ajay was supposed to have it. I said, "no, there was no ties with the trunk. I bought it just for storage." Jackie then said that there was something in it for Ajay, something that he needed. When she left and we moved the trunk back to its place, Ajay opened it and looked inside. He found a repair manual that he needed for a car that has been at the shop. They were wanting to put it on the schedule and fix it so we could sell it.
Jackie asked at one point who the skeptic was? We all laughed and looked at Ajay and informed her it was Ajay. She told Ajay that he had the same ability as she did, he just needed to relax and nurture it. Jackie said Ajay could talk with his dad. I believe Ajay would get so scared as a child with all the spirits, that he disallowed himself to continue to see and hear. Ajay told me what the male figure looked like. What he saw. It was so surprising to me because, what he described is what I envisioned. I did not even know I had a mental picture of the male. Zach also informed me that he saw the same guy walking up and down the hallway when he was a child. Jackie told us we had a female. She was attached to the house, the land. Perhaps research might disclose who she was and why she was here. The female is kind and she comforts me when Gary is unable to do so. I was laying in a bed a week or so ago, crying and asking Gary to come back. My hair was moving, as if someone was soothing my head. NO, there was not a breeze blowing, or a fan.
Jackie at one point asked if she could say anything she was told or heard. I informed her that we had no secrets, say anything Gary is telling her. She looked at me and said, "Gary says not to kill yourself". I told her I wasn't planning on it. If I did, I would not be able to join him. That is what I want, to be with Gary again. She said that Gary told her it wasn't my time yet, that I had a mission. I am slightly annoyed. I would like to know the mission. I guess I had a few people worried that I was going to "off" myself due to my distress. My life is a gift from God and I will not take this blessing lightly. I must say, tho, I am not afraid of death any longer. I know Gary will be waiting when I am called into God's Kingdom. I guess the hard part is continuing to live.
Jackie told Rachel Gary says the baby is coming. He told her she did not always have to be strong and in control. My daughter is a very organized young woman. She does not like disorder.
We asked about Jody. She was Gary's neice who was killed in a car crash. Jackie told us she had such a sense of sadness. Gary would not say anything about her. I looked at Josh and he seemed to be holding back tears. Later, after Jackie left, Josh said he had such an overwhelming sense of sadness when we asked about Jody. He said he almost passed out. I have to add as a side note, that Josh has just recently become less of a skeptic himself. He took Rachel to see Jackie in August as a birthday gift. Instead of Rachel being read, Josh had his own family members who have pass, come to say things to him. It definately came him another way of looking at things.
Gary told us through Jackie that he would be using animals to come to us at times. He said if a bird hung around or came really close to us, it was him. Crazily enough,we have had some recent experiences with birds coming quite close to us and doing odd things.
I told you I would come back to the picture. One of Gary's aunts brought a couple of pictures on Saturday, the day of celebrating his life. She let me choose one. I chose a picture of Jesus, standing sideways, staring out at the land. He was holding a staff and surrounded by sheep. When Jackie was talking with us, she said, "is there a picture here on my left?" She turned her head and saw the picture. She told us Gary says not to move this picture. I guess he does not want us to lose our love for Jesus. I have no anger at or for Jesus or God or the Holy Spirit. I know Gary is the lucky one. He has been blessed the ultimate blessing. Our Fathers Kingdom.
Jackie told Zach that he had an elder gentleman with him. He was kind of a jokester. Zach found this out a while ago. Maybe I already told the story, but it is worth mentioning again. Zach, Rachel and Josh were sitting watching TV at their home. They heard a knocking on the door into the house from the garage. Zach thought perhaps they neglected to shut the overhead down and their friend Jeremy was knocking on that door. He has done this before. When Zach opened the door, no one was there and the overhead was closed. Weird. I am not quite sure of the timeline, but I believe it was only a few days, if not the same day, when Zach awoke around 4:00 a.m. to someone knocking on his bedroom door. When he opened the door, no one was there. He was a little spooked. I told him speak aloud that this was unacceptable and that his bedroom was his personal space. Zach has not had any incidences since.
There are more Jackie sayings, but I am becoming mentally foggy. It is late, or early, however you want to look at it. I stayed up reading until 2:30 a.m. last night. Maybe I can sleep for 3 hours in a row tonight.
Gary used to snap my panties. He thought it was funny. He wasn't being mean, just teasing. Sometimes he would get quite the snap. He also used to tug the back of my hair. His way of showing he loved me. I was boohooing one night as I lay in bed. I was telling Gary how I missed him, how I missed the flipping and the tugging. I was also having quite the hot flash. I had the covers flung off. My little black Minuet jumped up on my bed, walked across me, grabbed my panties at the waistline and flipped me. She then jumped off my bed. I guess Gary was telling me he was with me. Another day, I was sitting in Gary's room, where we keep the ski machine, boohooing and holding a picture of the two of us by Skeen Lake. I was talking and praying and missing him terribly. All the other pictures that were displayed at the celebration were laying on the massage table that holds the bio-mat. Little Minny jumped up on the table, walked across the pictures, stopped at the one that was displayed behind his ashes at the celebration. It is the one of Gary skiing and jumping. Minny looked at me, put her head down, licked Gary's figure, looked at me, did it again, and then jumped down and left the room.
Jackie told the kids that Gary was with me more than them at this time. He said I needed him more. He told Jackie to tell me he always kisses me goodnight. He said that when I sit outside and there is no wind or breeze, but I feel a breeze on my cheek, it will be him, caressing my cheek. Jackie did not know that I sit outside quite frequently praying and talking with God. Gary knew this was my habit, my meditation, rejuvenation time.
I watched a slightly scary movie last night. I had all the animals in with me. The doors were shut and locked. The animal at one point, went from sleeping to looking up at certain places in the room. I could sense something, but not sure what spirit was visiting us. After the movie, I was talking with Rachel on the phone, and a breeze caressed my cheek and my hand. True story. During the movie, at one point, my hair was being caressed.
It is time to sign off. The house is making noise. The cat's are getting wide eyed. They want my attention. I think they are ready for bed and cuddle time.
Remember life is a blessing. I encourage all to work through the problems that sometimes come into our lives. Release the anger, hold only onto your love for each other. Change happens in a blink of an eye. Material things don't last, don't keep us content for long. Embrace God and each other. God will see you through all your challenges. He often works in ways we do not understand and does not always do what we think should be done. Remember to believe in Him. Four simple words can get you through.....I Trust You, Jesus.
Love and Blessings,
Sue
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The Celebration
We celebrated Gary's life on May 12, 2012.
What a beautiful day God blessed us with! The day dawned with bright sunshine and just the right temperature. Slightly warm, but kissed with a breeze. My backyard was beautiful and showed the full Glory of God's nature. Thanks to family and friends, the lawn was mowed, weeds were pulled, piles of junk were dumped, flowers planted, pool worked on and cleaned. I/we are so blessed to have such wonderful love and support.
We received many beautiful bouquets of flowers which added more spring beauty. My wisteria was in full bloom and was so gorgeous. The kids brought a fooz ball table to encourage laughter and fun, which was what Gary embraced. He knew how to live. I miss him and his zest for adventure. I miss his voice, his warmth, and most definately his sense of humor. The house is so quiet.
Friends and family supplied delicious food for all who attended the celebration. It was wonderful to bask in the love, support and strength of everyone God has blessed us by bringing into our lives.
My family and I enjoyed the stories that were shared about Gary. I learned a few new things. I know it was difficult for some who stood in front of so many individuals and talked into a micrphone to give us a glimpse into who Gary was in your life. When I stood by a few and wrapped my arms around you, I felt your shaking. Thank you for honoring my husband. I thank you for your strength in telling your story. It brought Gary closer to us, when we know he is so far, yet also so near. It released some of our pain to be able to laugh and cry with all of our loved ones.
We had people tell us they saw Gary there with us. I know this is true. He was there, laughing with us all. I can envision his quiet, soft laugh. His lopsided smile, looking innocent, pointing to himself and saying, who me, when being tattled on.
The days after God called him home, were somewhat of a blur. Monday night did not offer much rest, just disbelief. Tuesday was horrendous and full of no's, this isn't happening, just a nightmare. I ended up taking an ambien that night. I felt like I needed assistance getting at least an hour of rest. I came out of my bathroom and found Rachel curled up crying on the end of Gary's side of our bed. I crawled up beside her to offer comfort, support and love. We cried for awhile. The next thing I knew, I awoke confused. It was around midnight. I was so disoriented. I just layed down. I had guests in my house, how rude of me. I sat up and there was a figure under the covers on Gary's side of the bed. I had a moment of "oh my gosh, what a horrible dream I just woke up from, Gary is not dead, he is alive, laying there sleeping". How wrong I was. Rachel had crawled up and under the covers. I just cried and crawled into bed beside her and had sporradic sleep the rest of the night. Not that unusual. I am usually awake between 2:00 and 2:30 a.m. Then 4:00 to 4:30 a.m. 6:00 to 6:20 was Gary's awake time, so that is normal time to wake up to make sure he would be getting his start to the day.
I asked Zach on Wednesday what time people went home and why they didn't wake me up. He said Rachel and I had passed out and were in a deep sleep. No one wanted to disturb us, including, Josh, Rachel's husband. He just left her sleeping and went home.
Thursday was hard. I snuck to the morturary to spend alone time with Gary's body. I wanted to plead to him, to God, for him to wake up. Climb off the table and come home. Gary would be such a great disciple for God. Why wouldn't God bring him back. God could. I guess he has other plans for Gary. My time with Gary was cut far too short. Even now, I find it hard to accept as reality that he is not with us. My heart aches non stop, yet, I have feelings of such joy that Gary is now in my Heavenly Father's Kingdom. He is surrounded by the ultimate warmth of God's Love. Why can't I be there with Gary, now?
Friday, I was screaming inside. All I could think about was that my husband's physical body was going away. I struggled every second. Saturday, Gary came home...., in a small black box. Isn't he just on a business trip? This can't be reality, can it? The kids sat together on the couch and stickered the box that held what was left of their father. How proud I am of their strength and unity. They used the artistic talent they inherited from their father and created a masterpiece that Gary would be satisfied with. Gary loved stickers. Yes, the majority of his stickers were red, black and white. They represented the motorized toys that he so enjoyed, or the activities that brought him great joy. We all picked out pictures of Gary to enlarge that would give people a glimpse of who he was and what he valued. We had a slide show going also that showed who my man was. How he embraced this life God gave him. Saturday was so bittersweet. It was a celebration, a party, yet also a formal good bye. We did enjoy the day and kept laughter flowing into the night. It is unfortunate that it sometimes takes such a sad event to bring together loved ones who life keeps apart for months, even years, because it is so fast paced.
Sunday brought us to Mother's Day. I know Gary's mom had sadness in her soul with her son being called to heaven and unable to enjoy the day with us. Gary had been looking so forward to starting a new relationship with his parents. He was excited that they moved to Boise. Gary told me he liked the idea of getting to know his dad in a new way. We started the day with a brunch at their new home. After enjoying a delicious meal, we said our good byes to Gary's brothers' and their families. They were heading back to Wyoming, and one went back to Twin Falls. He has two brothers who live in Kuna and a sister who lives near Eagle. Cousin/brother Ron and his wife Gayle live near us. My kids and I then headed to Meridian to spend some time with my mom and dad, as well as my sister, one of her daughters, my older brother and his family from Vancouver, Wa. and my younger brother and his family from Minnesota. I was feeling a little under the weather, so we only stayed for a couple of hours. We left and I came home and took a nap. Rachel and Josh graciously invited me to dinner. Tim and Christie and their children(Minnesota) joined. We ordered Chinese. After dinner, we played a game of hide and seek outside. It was difficult to embrace the laughter and living, but it is what Gary would want and expect us to do.
Monday. Hard to believe and accept it has been a week, only a week, but seeming much longer. I had my normal interrupted sleep pattern Sunday night. Rachel called me at 8:20 a.m. She asked if she woke me? I told her no, I was awake, just laying in bed, struggling with what my new normal was going to be.. She told me she needed a sense of normalcy. We always talk as she drives to school. We said our good byes when she arrived at Christine Donnell, School of the Arts. I fell asleep. Gary came to me. I saw him looking in the kitchen window. He was smiling. I was calling to him to stay, don't go. I was trying to get to the slider to get outside and grab hold of him. I was unable to get to him, I awoke to Zach calling out to me that someone was at the door, knocking. It was my brother Jim and his wife Lynn, coming to tell me good bye. They were heading back to Vancouver. We visitied for a short time and then said our good byes. I am so numb, but must show life.
What a beautiful day God blessed us with! The day dawned with bright sunshine and just the right temperature. Slightly warm, but kissed with a breeze. My backyard was beautiful and showed the full Glory of God's nature. Thanks to family and friends, the lawn was mowed, weeds were pulled, piles of junk were dumped, flowers planted, pool worked on and cleaned. I/we are so blessed to have such wonderful love and support.
We received many beautiful bouquets of flowers which added more spring beauty. My wisteria was in full bloom and was so gorgeous. The kids brought a fooz ball table to encourage laughter and fun, which was what Gary embraced. He knew how to live. I miss him and his zest for adventure. I miss his voice, his warmth, and most definately his sense of humor. The house is so quiet.
Friends and family supplied delicious food for all who attended the celebration. It was wonderful to bask in the love, support and strength of everyone God has blessed us by bringing into our lives.
My family and I enjoyed the stories that were shared about Gary. I learned a few new things. I know it was difficult for some who stood in front of so many individuals and talked into a micrphone to give us a glimpse into who Gary was in your life. When I stood by a few and wrapped my arms around you, I felt your shaking. Thank you for honoring my husband. I thank you for your strength in telling your story. It brought Gary closer to us, when we know he is so far, yet also so near. It released some of our pain to be able to laugh and cry with all of our loved ones.
We had people tell us they saw Gary there with us. I know this is true. He was there, laughing with us all. I can envision his quiet, soft laugh. His lopsided smile, looking innocent, pointing to himself and saying, who me, when being tattled on.
The days after God called him home, were somewhat of a blur. Monday night did not offer much rest, just disbelief. Tuesday was horrendous and full of no's, this isn't happening, just a nightmare. I ended up taking an ambien that night. I felt like I needed assistance getting at least an hour of rest. I came out of my bathroom and found Rachel curled up crying on the end of Gary's side of our bed. I crawled up beside her to offer comfort, support and love. We cried for awhile. The next thing I knew, I awoke confused. It was around midnight. I was so disoriented. I just layed down. I had guests in my house, how rude of me. I sat up and there was a figure under the covers on Gary's side of the bed. I had a moment of "oh my gosh, what a horrible dream I just woke up from, Gary is not dead, he is alive, laying there sleeping". How wrong I was. Rachel had crawled up and under the covers. I just cried and crawled into bed beside her and had sporradic sleep the rest of the night. Not that unusual. I am usually awake between 2:00 and 2:30 a.m. Then 4:00 to 4:30 a.m. 6:00 to 6:20 was Gary's awake time, so that is normal time to wake up to make sure he would be getting his start to the day.
I asked Zach on Wednesday what time people went home and why they didn't wake me up. He said Rachel and I had passed out and were in a deep sleep. No one wanted to disturb us, including, Josh, Rachel's husband. He just left her sleeping and went home.
Thursday was hard. I snuck to the morturary to spend alone time with Gary's body. I wanted to plead to him, to God, for him to wake up. Climb off the table and come home. Gary would be such a great disciple for God. Why wouldn't God bring him back. God could. I guess he has other plans for Gary. My time with Gary was cut far too short. Even now, I find it hard to accept as reality that he is not with us. My heart aches non stop, yet, I have feelings of such joy that Gary is now in my Heavenly Father's Kingdom. He is surrounded by the ultimate warmth of God's Love. Why can't I be there with Gary, now?
Friday, I was screaming inside. All I could think about was that my husband's physical body was going away. I struggled every second. Saturday, Gary came home...., in a small black box. Isn't he just on a business trip? This can't be reality, can it? The kids sat together on the couch and stickered the box that held what was left of their father. How proud I am of their strength and unity. They used the artistic talent they inherited from their father and created a masterpiece that Gary would be satisfied with. Gary loved stickers. Yes, the majority of his stickers were red, black and white. They represented the motorized toys that he so enjoyed, or the activities that brought him great joy. We all picked out pictures of Gary to enlarge that would give people a glimpse of who he was and what he valued. We had a slide show going also that showed who my man was. How he embraced this life God gave him. Saturday was so bittersweet. It was a celebration, a party, yet also a formal good bye. We did enjoy the day and kept laughter flowing into the night. It is unfortunate that it sometimes takes such a sad event to bring together loved ones who life keeps apart for months, even years, because it is so fast paced.
Sunday brought us to Mother's Day. I know Gary's mom had sadness in her soul with her son being called to heaven and unable to enjoy the day with us. Gary had been looking so forward to starting a new relationship with his parents. He was excited that they moved to Boise. Gary told me he liked the idea of getting to know his dad in a new way. We started the day with a brunch at their new home. After enjoying a delicious meal, we said our good byes to Gary's brothers' and their families. They were heading back to Wyoming, and one went back to Twin Falls. He has two brothers who live in Kuna and a sister who lives near Eagle. Cousin/brother Ron and his wife Gayle live near us. My kids and I then headed to Meridian to spend some time with my mom and dad, as well as my sister, one of her daughters, my older brother and his family from Vancouver, Wa. and my younger brother and his family from Minnesota. I was feeling a little under the weather, so we only stayed for a couple of hours. We left and I came home and took a nap. Rachel and Josh graciously invited me to dinner. Tim and Christie and their children(Minnesota) joined. We ordered Chinese. After dinner, we played a game of hide and seek outside. It was difficult to embrace the laughter and living, but it is what Gary would want and expect us to do.
Monday. Hard to believe and accept it has been a week, only a week, but seeming much longer. I had my normal interrupted sleep pattern Sunday night. Rachel called me at 8:20 a.m. She asked if she woke me? I told her no, I was awake, just laying in bed, struggling with what my new normal was going to be.. She told me she needed a sense of normalcy. We always talk as she drives to school. We said our good byes when she arrived at Christine Donnell, School of the Arts. I fell asleep. Gary came to me. I saw him looking in the kitchen window. He was smiling. I was calling to him to stay, don't go. I was trying to get to the slider to get outside and grab hold of him. I was unable to get to him, I awoke to Zach calling out to me that someone was at the door, knocking. It was my brother Jim and his wife Lynn, coming to tell me good bye. They were heading back to Vancouver. We visitied for a short time and then said our good byes. I am so numb, but must show life.
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