It is so surreal. I feel as if I am walking in a horrible nightmare and unable to wake up. I keep re-living the last day spent with Gary. My heart has such a hole. My soul is ripped apart. My kids, how do I help my kids? I get shaky and feel ill.
Life continues. We are just a small blip in the large scheme of things. I get up, get dressed, go to work. I walk through the day as if it is like any other day. Only I know it isn't. It is easy to pretend when I am away from the house. I can even fool myself into thinking Gary is just on a trip. Reality catches up when I walk in the door at home. The loud silence says so much. I am so lonely, even though I am surrounded by so many individuals who love me and my children. Those who loved Gary. Those, who's life Gary made a difference in. How do I help them get through their pain?
I re-think everything. I should of insisted that Gary take his coumadin, or take the injections, which, I still have two boxes sitting in the cupboard. I hear from people who tell me that someone they know has been taking coumadin for x amount of years. The guilt is all consuming. I wished I would of fought more with him on taking this medicine he hated so much. Would he still be here, alive, sitting next to me, laying next to me? I could have encouraged him more. How do I live with the regrets? What if I tricked him? Why did I accept his decision to disconinue the use? What if I screamed and ranted? Maybe my world, my children's world, would not be so shattered.
We hear from individuals daily who are just hearing the news of Gary's passing. They question us as to why we did not call? Why did we not run the obituary longer? Why? It is all we can do to make it through the day with re-joicing that Gary is in our Heavenly Father's Kingdom. We struggle to embrace that he is in a far better place than we are.We look forward to the time we meet each other again. We hold each other close, pushing away the pain the best we can. We are a broken family unit, yet, our love is still strong. We will honor Gary by finding Joy in living. This is one of his legacies that he taught us, to live. Even while our tears are falling from our eyes, we will find a way to laugh, love and live. This is how we will and can keep Gary alive, close to us.
I encourage all those reading this to embrace the day. Get past the pettiness that is all consuming. Learn to forgive the mistakes we all make. We are simply human. Hug your loved ones, let them know you love them. Glorify God, thank Him for his daily blessings!
When you are missing Gary, listen quietly and he will be with you. This is what we are learning to do. We are keeping him alive with our memories, our stories. The pain is great, the sadness is enveloping. We will discourage the darkness, the dark one and embrace light and forever life.
Love and blessings,
Sue, Zach, Rachel, Ajay, Josh and Jessica.
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