It is so surreal. I feel as if I am walking in a horrible nightmare and unable to wake up. I keep re-living the last day spent with Gary. My heart has such a hole. My soul is ripped apart. My kids, how do I help my kids? I get shaky and feel ill.
Life continues. We are just a small blip in the large scheme of things. I get up, get dressed, go to work. I walk through the day as if it is like any other day. Only I know it isn't. It is easy to pretend when I am away from the house. I can even fool myself into thinking Gary is just on a trip. Reality catches up when I walk in the door at home. The loud silence says so much. I am so lonely, even though I am surrounded by so many individuals who love me and my children. Those who loved Gary. Those, who's life Gary made a difference in. How do I help them get through their pain?
I re-think everything. I should of insisted that Gary take his coumadin, or take the injections, which, I still have two boxes sitting in the cupboard. I hear from people who tell me that someone they know has been taking coumadin for x amount of years. The guilt is all consuming. I wished I would of fought more with him on taking this medicine he hated so much. Would he still be here, alive, sitting next to me, laying next to me? I could have encouraged him more. How do I live with the regrets? What if I tricked him? Why did I accept his decision to disconinue the use? What if I screamed and ranted? Maybe my world, my children's world, would not be so shattered.
We hear from individuals daily who are just hearing the news of Gary's passing. They question us as to why we did not call? Why did we not run the obituary longer? Why? It is all we can do to make it through the day with re-joicing that Gary is in our Heavenly Father's Kingdom. We struggle to embrace that he is in a far better place than we are.We look forward to the time we meet each other again. We hold each other close, pushing away the pain the best we can. We are a broken family unit, yet, our love is still strong. We will honor Gary by finding Joy in living. This is one of his legacies that he taught us, to live. Even while our tears are falling from our eyes, we will find a way to laugh, love and live. This is how we will and can keep Gary alive, close to us.
I encourage all those reading this to embrace the day. Get past the pettiness that is all consuming. Learn to forgive the mistakes we all make. We are simply human. Hug your loved ones, let them know you love them. Glorify God, thank Him for his daily blessings!
When you are missing Gary, listen quietly and he will be with you. This is what we are learning to do. We are keeping him alive with our memories, our stories. The pain is great, the sadness is enveloping. We will discourage the darkness, the dark one and embrace light and forever life.
Love and blessings,
Sue, Zach, Rachel, Ajay, Josh and Jessica.
Gary and Sue
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
The Passing
My dear husband, my soul mate, my best friend my childrens' father was called home on Monday, May 7, 2012. What a shock it has been to us all. The day started out as many of our days have, getting up, drinking a smoothie, going to work. I did leave that morning encouraging Gary to give himself to God. I asked him to not be afraid and to ask God to direct his day. Little did I know that God would call him home. My heart is so heavy with sadness and dismay, yet, I am also so numb and not functioning so swell. There are so many emotions that are flying through my being, it is hard to wrap my thoughts around what has happened. It almost seems like he is on a trip, but, alas, that is wishful thinking.
We celebrated my 51st birthday on Friday. One of the first gifts Gary gave me was cleaning the cat litter. Those of you who have an intimate relationship with Gary know how huge and wonderful this gift was. Gary was very tolerant and patient with my love and insistance of having cats. We almost had a fight over him cleaning the litter. I had to walk away because I realized it was his way of showing me the love he had for me. Gary told me when he was through that this was a once a year event. It was a one time life event. My hearts just aches. Who knew this would be one of the last gifts I would receive from him. He also gifted me with a beautiful watch. He and Rachel were supposed to have a daddy daughter bike ride, however, he told her he wanted her to help him find a watch for me. Rachel gave up her bike riding date with Gary to take him shopping so he could get me the gift he was envisoning. Thank you Rachel. What a beautiful watch it is. I have my choice of wearing either a black or white band. The face has small rhinestones. We hung out at home during the afternoon, then we were blessed with movie tickets to see the new Avengers movie. The whole family, with the exception of Josh were able to spend the evening together enjoying the movie. Gary walked out of the movie with his arms around Rachel and I.
Saturday was spent driving to Elk Creek in Idaho City. A few years back we (Gary, Rachel and myself)accidently found this fantastic camping spot. Gary had been told of a camping spot near Idaho City. He, however, did not get specific directions and we were kind of lost wandering. It was raining like crazy and the ground was slippery. We found ourselves on narrow mountain roads. I, do not, do well on narrow roads. I am a worrier, stresser, freaker outer. We came to a fork in the road and Gary thought it might finally be a good time to turn around. Did not happen. The camper started to slide into the barrow ditch and almost hit a road sign. We had no choice but to continue on. As we drove, we found a road that led down to a beautiful area. Gary decided to go down there. As we turned and headed down, the camper, which is a toy hauler and very heavy, pushed us down. It was very frightening. Gary said, "well we won't be stopping and backing up". He also said, "if the rain doesn't stop, we won't be getting back out either". Yes, I fretted most of the weekend about getting out. Gary would occasionally walk around and look to determine alternate routes of escape. He even contemplated cutting down trees to get out a different way. God was great as usual and allowed us to drive out the way we came in. The only problems we experienced were forgetting to put down the antenna, which the trees took out, and then tearing out the gray water line on the bottom of the camper. The following year, even tho we had such a difficult time getting out the previous year, Gary took us back there because that is where I wanted to camp. He loved me so much. We enjoyed a weekend of fun with our family and the Curtis Cluff family. I had to walk away as they worked to get the camper out and back onto the road because I was so stressed. Gary had to use the camper leveling lego like blocks to stair step the camper out. He sure was patient with me. Ok, back to Saturday, May 5, 2012, we were heading to Elk Creek as a birthday present to me, so I could rejuvenate. I love trees and the mountains(when I don't have to snow ski or snowmobile, don't like the cold). Zach had not been there as he had been living in San Antonio, Texas working. I had been boohooing that I really needed to escape the fast pace of life here in Boise and I needed to reconnect with nature and God and we needed to show Zach so he could envision where we were talking about. It was difficult driving by Lucky Peak. We could all feel Gary's sadness about not having a boat anymore. We all felt sad about having to sell the boat. Gary loved his boat. He loved us more. We arrived at Elk Creek. Gary said he wasn't feeling able to hike, so we wrap him into a blanket, it was chilly, gave him his sandwich, and the kids and I went for a short hike. We came back and Gary had moved into the suburban. The rest of us ate our lunch and then the kids went on another hike. Gary informed me that he had hiked a short distance by himself and then came back because he became tired and winded. I wanted to take him the doctor to see if we could see why he was starting to have some pain, but he said no doctors. We left a short time later and came home where we enjoyed some enchiladas and celebrated Cinco De Mayo. Sunday I ended up working until just about 12:00 in the morning. Monday came and I like I said earlier, the day started out pretty much the same. I came home and picked Gary up. He went with me to open a house for a client to view. He sat in the car while I worked. We then went and grabbed a bite of dinner. After finishing, we went to Willow Lane to watch Zach play softball. Gary became winded walking from the car to the bleachers. He sit there briefly and then went to the restrooms. I watched for him and then heard him call me and say we needed to leave. I gathered up the blankets and walked to him. He walked behind me, holding onto my shoulders. I would stop when he would indicate it was needed. We just arrived at the jeep when I felt him seem to pass out. He pinned me against my car. I was able to reach behind and grab his shirt to keep him from slamming down as hard to the asphalt. I bent down and called to him a couple of times. He went from being pale to having color in his cheeks and he open his eyes and asked me if he passed out. I said, "yes, you passed out". He said, "that was weird" and I agreed. I told him just to lay there and regroup. Gary, being Gary, sat up. I said, "okay, just sit here for a bit". Well he proceeded to crawl on his hands and knees and get into my car. I was pulling out of the parking spot and his eyes started to dim and his hands clinched. I was heading to the emergency room. I saw him leaving me before reaching the road. I hit his chest/heart and said " don't leave me, don't die on me". He caught a breath, but only a short one. People would not get out of my way. I had my flashers on and and was honking my horn. I called 911 to inform them I was on my way to the hospital and needed a gurney and people on stand by. When we arrived, I layed on my horn and they came out with a freaking wheel chair. I told the gal, that is not going to happen. He needs help now. He needs CPR and a gurney. Finally, more people came out and they started CPR. They then pulled him out of the car and got him into the hospital. The kids arrived and we stood outside the room, telling Gary to fight and come back. It was surreal. Definately not how the movies would like you to believe a fight for life is. Rachel arrived and I told her to encourage Daddy to fight. She yelled." Daddy, don't go, come back." They had not had a heart beat for awhile. When Rachel talked to Gary, his heart beat just a couple of times. The doctors pulled back, but Gary just couldn't stay with us. We called Jim Weathers and he came. He worked to get Gary back. He was unable. He came to Rachel and I, we were in the hallway. He informed us that he talked with Gary and that he was in the meadow. The light was behind him and there was a glow around Gary. Gary told Jim that he was where he was supposed to be and that Jim should tell his family that he loved us.....
I want him back. I want another miracle.
We celebrated my 51st birthday on Friday. One of the first gifts Gary gave me was cleaning the cat litter. Those of you who have an intimate relationship with Gary know how huge and wonderful this gift was. Gary was very tolerant and patient with my love and insistance of having cats. We almost had a fight over him cleaning the litter. I had to walk away because I realized it was his way of showing me the love he had for me. Gary told me when he was through that this was a once a year event. It was a one time life event. My hearts just aches. Who knew this would be one of the last gifts I would receive from him. He also gifted me with a beautiful watch. He and Rachel were supposed to have a daddy daughter bike ride, however, he told her he wanted her to help him find a watch for me. Rachel gave up her bike riding date with Gary to take him shopping so he could get me the gift he was envisoning. Thank you Rachel. What a beautiful watch it is. I have my choice of wearing either a black or white band. The face has small rhinestones. We hung out at home during the afternoon, then we were blessed with movie tickets to see the new Avengers movie. The whole family, with the exception of Josh were able to spend the evening together enjoying the movie. Gary walked out of the movie with his arms around Rachel and I.
Saturday was spent driving to Elk Creek in Idaho City. A few years back we (Gary, Rachel and myself)accidently found this fantastic camping spot. Gary had been told of a camping spot near Idaho City. He, however, did not get specific directions and we were kind of lost wandering. It was raining like crazy and the ground was slippery. We found ourselves on narrow mountain roads. I, do not, do well on narrow roads. I am a worrier, stresser, freaker outer. We came to a fork in the road and Gary thought it might finally be a good time to turn around. Did not happen. The camper started to slide into the barrow ditch and almost hit a road sign. We had no choice but to continue on. As we drove, we found a road that led down to a beautiful area. Gary decided to go down there. As we turned and headed down, the camper, which is a toy hauler and very heavy, pushed us down. It was very frightening. Gary said, "well we won't be stopping and backing up". He also said, "if the rain doesn't stop, we won't be getting back out either". Yes, I fretted most of the weekend about getting out. Gary would occasionally walk around and look to determine alternate routes of escape. He even contemplated cutting down trees to get out a different way. God was great as usual and allowed us to drive out the way we came in. The only problems we experienced were forgetting to put down the antenna, which the trees took out, and then tearing out the gray water line on the bottom of the camper. The following year, even tho we had such a difficult time getting out the previous year, Gary took us back there because that is where I wanted to camp. He loved me so much. We enjoyed a weekend of fun with our family and the Curtis Cluff family. I had to walk away as they worked to get the camper out and back onto the road because I was so stressed. Gary had to use the camper leveling lego like blocks to stair step the camper out. He sure was patient with me. Ok, back to Saturday, May 5, 2012, we were heading to Elk Creek as a birthday present to me, so I could rejuvenate. I love trees and the mountains(when I don't have to snow ski or snowmobile, don't like the cold). Zach had not been there as he had been living in San Antonio, Texas working. I had been boohooing that I really needed to escape the fast pace of life here in Boise and I needed to reconnect with nature and God and we needed to show Zach so he could envision where we were talking about. It was difficult driving by Lucky Peak. We could all feel Gary's sadness about not having a boat anymore. We all felt sad about having to sell the boat. Gary loved his boat. He loved us more. We arrived at Elk Creek. Gary said he wasn't feeling able to hike, so we wrap him into a blanket, it was chilly, gave him his sandwich, and the kids and I went for a short hike. We came back and Gary had moved into the suburban. The rest of us ate our lunch and then the kids went on another hike. Gary informed me that he had hiked a short distance by himself and then came back because he became tired and winded. I wanted to take him the doctor to see if we could see why he was starting to have some pain, but he said no doctors. We left a short time later and came home where we enjoyed some enchiladas and celebrated Cinco De Mayo. Sunday I ended up working until just about 12:00 in the morning. Monday came and I like I said earlier, the day started out pretty much the same. I came home and picked Gary up. He went with me to open a house for a client to view. He sat in the car while I worked. We then went and grabbed a bite of dinner. After finishing, we went to Willow Lane to watch Zach play softball. Gary became winded walking from the car to the bleachers. He sit there briefly and then went to the restrooms. I watched for him and then heard him call me and say we needed to leave. I gathered up the blankets and walked to him. He walked behind me, holding onto my shoulders. I would stop when he would indicate it was needed. We just arrived at the jeep when I felt him seem to pass out. He pinned me against my car. I was able to reach behind and grab his shirt to keep him from slamming down as hard to the asphalt. I bent down and called to him a couple of times. He went from being pale to having color in his cheeks and he open his eyes and asked me if he passed out. I said, "yes, you passed out". He said, "that was weird" and I agreed. I told him just to lay there and regroup. Gary, being Gary, sat up. I said, "okay, just sit here for a bit". Well he proceeded to crawl on his hands and knees and get into my car. I was pulling out of the parking spot and his eyes started to dim and his hands clinched. I was heading to the emergency room. I saw him leaving me before reaching the road. I hit his chest/heart and said " don't leave me, don't die on me". He caught a breath, but only a short one. People would not get out of my way. I had my flashers on and and was honking my horn. I called 911 to inform them I was on my way to the hospital and needed a gurney and people on stand by. When we arrived, I layed on my horn and they came out with a freaking wheel chair. I told the gal, that is not going to happen. He needs help now. He needs CPR and a gurney. Finally, more people came out and they started CPR. They then pulled him out of the car and got him into the hospital. The kids arrived and we stood outside the room, telling Gary to fight and come back. It was surreal. Definately not how the movies would like you to believe a fight for life is. Rachel arrived and I told her to encourage Daddy to fight. She yelled." Daddy, don't go, come back." They had not had a heart beat for awhile. When Rachel talked to Gary, his heart beat just a couple of times. The doctors pulled back, but Gary just couldn't stay with us. We called Jim Weathers and he came. He worked to get Gary back. He was unable. He came to Rachel and I, we were in the hallway. He informed us that he talked with Gary and that he was in the meadow. The light was behind him and there was a glow around Gary. Gary told Jim that he was where he was supposed to be and that Jim should tell his family that he loved us.....
I want him back. I want another miracle.
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